I'm On Team Finland

I’m so going to make a Team Finland shirt for the Olympics to support my favorite Finnish man, Mikko Koivu, and his quest for a medal! I get text alerts from the Minnesota Wild, and when breaking news happens, I am contacted right away. I was so proud of him for making the team! Not that I doubted he wouldn’t, because his moves are so, oh don’t get me even thinking about his moves. Sometimes I wish he was from the USA so he could play for us, but I like a foreign man with his sexy accent. I will anxiously be waiting for the middle of February so I can sit in front of the TV with my Team Finland shirt on. I should even put a picture of Mikko on it. In fact, I should have a party for this. Who wants to come over and watch my Mikko win the Gold medal? No one? What? You all think I’m crazy and obsessed? Nonsense! Nonsense I tell you!

Put Some Clothes On

I only need a few short sentences to get my point across for this one. Dear roommate, please stop walking around in your camo boxers. My fiance calls them shorts, but they are very, very short, therefore, they are boxers. I do not want to see your hairy legs. I’m also afraid that I might get a glimpse of something else one of these times, which I just might have to kick you out for. So, please put some clothes on. Thanks.

I Married Mikko Koivu!

I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is my fiance and I broke up. The good news is I broke up with him for Mikko Koivu. Mikko finally came to his senses after seeing me at numerous hockey games while borderline stalking him, and he decided to take a chance with me. Not only that but we also got engaged and then married all within a few hours. I am now Shannon Koivu. I like how that sounds. After a few days of happily wedded bliss, I attended one of my husband’s hockey games, where I ran into my ex-fiance. Uh oh. We took one look at each other though and started making out. While that was going down I thought I should take my wedding ring off and put it in my pocket. After a few minutes of cheating bliss, I went back to check on my husband Mikko and he took one look at me, then my wedding finger with no ring on it, and just shook his head. Well, I guess I just ruined my chances with this one. Good going Shannon! Then I woke up, and was like omg, I cannot believe I married Mikko Koivu! I started to tell my fiance about my dream and he just shook his head at me too. Oh how I love my dreams.

Dream Vacation?

I think I may need to re-examine my goals in life after watching the movie, “The Hangover”, because I have a strong urge to go to Vegas and experience it just like they did. Well, minus the drugs, tiger, Mike Tyson, and crazy Asian man. I mean I’m not opposed to those things happening, but I just think those things are bit out of reach for real life people. I even went as far as to asking people to go with me and searching for the cheapest flight and airfare. Plus, I got permission from my fiance because when I told him I wanted to go, he replied with, “have fun with that.” OH, I WILL! I WILL! Well, my dream vacation idea only lasted for a few weeks. Apparently I don’t have as many crazy, spontaneous friends as I’d like too. (and cue a Debbie Downer moment) Someday I will make this all happen...someday...

Canceling Christmas?

I really don’t care if there is a blizzard outside. There is no way I am canceling Christmas. No way. No how. I also don’t care if it takes me 5 hours to go 20 miles. I will be there. I don’t get many days off of work and hell, I'm going to enjoy it. Even if that means most of my day will be spent in the car going to the Christmas gatherings. I WILL enjoy it. We live in Minnesota people! It does snow here sometimes! Why do all of you forget how to drive when it snows! OMG! It’s a pretty simple concept actually. Drive like a sane, cautious person and you will arrive at your destination in one piece. I have a feeling this is going to be one long winter...

It's All a Blur

I swear to God people think they are going to starve in their houses when the forecast predicts even an inch of snow. They all come into the grocery store like a stampede of elephants. I’m pretty sure that most people could live at least a week, if not more, just on what they have in their cupboards. Now add the week of Christmas into the mix and you have one hell of a headache for retailers. Every holiday season for the past 10 years has been a blur to me. I always hope for a little sanity for Christmas, but we all know the shopping trend will never change. Christmas+snow+working in a grocery store=one hell of a grinch. Bahumbug. Once again.

Your One Stop Gift Card Shop

You know you are lazy and out of ideas when you buy all your Christmas gift cards at the local Cub Foods. That place is like your one stop, gift card shop. My company should invest in something like that. Maybe it would keep me out of our competitor’s store. Just saying. Well, anyways, you should have seen the cashier’s face when I walked up to the counter with 5 gift cards. Apparently, people don’t do that that often because she had to call the csr (customer service representative for you dumbasses out there) to ring the last one through because it exceeded the gift card limit. Hell, that one trip saved me time, gas money, and a potential car accident (it started snowing and people get alzheimer’s when such an event occurs). And because we all know how much you eat around the holidays as it is, nothing says Merry Christmas like a restaurant gift card.

Merry Christmas, keep on packing those pounds! Love, Shannon

My Friends Are Better Than Yours

Note to self: don’t wait until the last minute to find a particular Christmas gift for your fiance unless you happen to have awesome friends like I do. This year, all I wanted to get him was an authentic Minnesota Wild jersey. I have one for myself, and I really wanted him to have one too. I’m just nice like that. :P Last week I went to the hockey lodge store to scope things out and of course they were all out of the one I wanted. They told me they were getting another shipment in on Monday so yesterday I called them and just my luck, they were all out. Well, isn’t this just lovely. What the hell am I going to do now? I really don’t feel like running around the whole Twin Cities to find this thing. Arg. I told one of my friends my situation and later on that day I get a call from him while I’m still at work. He frickin found the jersey, tried it on himself to see if it would fit my fiance, and bought it for me! Be jealous of my awesome friends because seriously, they are probably more awesome than yours.

The Friend Business

I find it funny how two people can be so alike, but happen to dislike each other so much. If these two characters knew as much about each other as I know about the both of them, I swear they would have the potential to be bffs. I have told them that they are like frickin twins separated at birth. I just think they are afraid to admit how alike their personalities really are. Here are just a few of their similar qualities; same career goals, love to be the center of attention, love drama(although one won’t admit to it), hate authority, and both stubborn as hell. Maybe they just don’t get along because they have such dominant personalities that they can’t help but to clash with each other. Speaking of clashing, the more I’m thinking and writing about this, the more I think that maybe this whole friends thing is a very bad idea. If such a friendship ever occurred, I foresee them beating one another til the death. And since I’d be rooting for both teams, that’s not something I want to witness. But, I will always wonder what the potential could be for them in the friend business...maybe someday?

JenFunkyJen

I just have to share with you another person that I follow on Twitter. This girl is almost as funny as shitmydadsays plus she has like 10 hysterical new updates everyday. So, go follow her. Just do it.

http://twitter.com/jenfunkyjen

I Feel A Little Tickle...

Have you ever had something tickling your boobs all day? Some of you might say yes to this question, but it sure won’t be for the same reason as me you sickos! haha Well, my hair is getting quite long these days and falls out so often I’m surprised I’m not bald. And sometimes while I’m getting dressed for the day, my fallen out hair gets entwined with my shirt or bra. I really hate this, ya know. I’ll be at work when I feel a little tickle in my non-existent cleavage spot. Most of the time I’m helping customers so I can’t just put my hand down my shirt and proceed to find the culprit. Plus, my co-workers are mostly of the male species and they might get visuals if they see me looking down or reaching down my own shirt. I don't even want to get into that mess. I have had a hair tickling me for hours before and it literally drives me insane! I sure hope I’m not the only woman and/or person this has happened to. And if you see me in public and I'm figiting with my boob area, you will now know why.

Cheetah

Breaking news. Tiger Woods has changed his name. His name is now Cheetah. lol Seriously though, how come all ya’ll are surprised at this story? He is a big time athlete, who is always traveling, and has a lot of money. Did you honestly think that he would just turn his head every time a hot, or in his case, the sometimes not so hot, girl throws herself on him? I don’t care what anyone says, but any man out there would find a temptation like that hard to resist. It’s like the world has never heard of a cheating athlete or celebrity before. It’s like the freakin talk of the town. Ya’ll need to back up off him and let him breathe so he can get (it) on with his life. Geesh.

Oh Shakira...

I can't help that when a Shakira song comes on, I feel the sudden urge to move my hips. To make matters worse, I'm usually listening to it while getting ready in the bathroom, where there are very big mirrors. I try moving my stomach and hips like hers, looking at my movements from the front and side views in the mirrors. Sometimes I get so into it I will lift my shirt up just ever so slightly to see the full effect of my movements. Which, might I add, do not come close to Shakira herself, but it's a work in progress. I know it seems a little on the pathetic side, but I‘m always up for trying to learn new dance moves, even if I look like moron while trying to do so. So, if any of you try to put a hidden camera somewhere up in my bathroom I will warn you that you might get quite a show. I'm not saying it's going to be a good show, but a show nontheless. But, just an fyi, I sometimes do sing along to the songs I dance to, so you might want to put the recorder on mute. lol Oh Shakira, the things you make me wanna do...wait that sounds bad coming from a girl...

It's Steven Seagal Man!

I was totally making fun of the Steven Seagal: Lawman premiere via my Twitter account recently. If only I could have predicted my own future, I probably wouldn‘t have. I was flipping through the channels one night and nothing caught my eye, until I hit A&E. Seagal’s show was on. Oh what the hell, I should just check it out. There’s no harm in that. Dude, that show is addicting. I think I just get a kick out of Steven Seagal as a police officer, that it makes the show more entertaining. A week or two later my fiance and I were going to bed and I put the Lawman on. Then he muted it and I was like “hey, I’m watching that!” He’s like, “I thought you didn’t like Steven Seagal.” I’m like “I don’t, I just think this show is hilarious! Especially when someone who is getting arrested asks for his freakin autograph!” I just wonder why no one really knew of his other life until now and why they didn’t think of this show sooner! lol

Where's Waldo?

I was walking around all day without the slightest clue that I, in fact, resembled that Waldo character, as in Where's Waldo. Yeah. Not cool unless it's Halloween. Which it definitely wasn't. I wore khaki pants (which is a very rare occurrence) and a white baseball t-shirt that has red sleeves. It was the day after Thanksgiving and I really didn't put much thought into my outfit considering I woke up at 4 am. (Well, that's pretty obvious huh?!) Then to top the look off, I bought a red beanie at Zumiez and was wearing that all day. After being out and about for hours, my fiance and I finally get home and he looks at me and says, "you kinda look like Where's Waldo?". I jumped up, looked in the mirror, and was like Oh.My.God. I cannot believe I walked around like that all day! Then he took a picture of me and posted it on facebook for the world to see. Good thing I like to laugh at myself. :P

Anyone Want Some Cookies?

For some reason I signed myself up for the cookie exchange at work. Why you ask? I have not a damn clue. I HATE baking. Like really hate it, plus I'm horrible at it. I can cook you anything you want, I'm a great chef, and I know recipes for almost everything. When it comes to baking though, I'm no Martha Stewart. So, I put all my pre-made dough (yeah, I cheated, so what?) into a bowl and started scooping some out into little balls. It was just then that I realized I have way too much fucking cookie dough. WTF! I am going to be in this kitchen all night! I probably shouldn't have opened up all the packages huh? FML. I go on about my business and I'm like, oh great, I'm going to run out of Hershey's kisses. I hope people like plain peanut butter cookies because there's no way I'm going back out into the -6 degree weather for another bag of kisses. No fucking way! Grr. Fast forward to 3 hours later and I finally get done making these God forsaken cookies. I did a final count and I ended up with 18 dozen cookies. I only needed to make 8 dozen for the exchange. Oops. My bad. Anyone want some cookies? I think I may have a few extra.

Pee Wee Herman

I just saw Pee Wee Herman on Jimmy Kimmel. He actually made me laugh, which also makes me question my morals. (But, that's a whole other issue.;) Well, that guy is the definition of a creeper. Webster's should really look into that as an add-on to the word in the dictionary. Creeper- i.e. Pee Wee Herman. Anyways, he was on the show with the same outfit and whiney voice that he once became famous for. How annoying. The sad thing is that I swear I had a Pee Wee Herman doll growing up. Is that a true fact mom? If so, who the hell bought it for me? It must have been a last resort gift because who would give a young little girl a Pee Wee doll? But, this is me we are talking about here, so chances are pretty likely that I begged for the damn toy. haha Anyways, on the Kimmel show I also noticed he was wearing a wedding ring. Who the fuck would want to marry that guy? Can you even imagine being his wife? I would take my car and run over him and his damn bicycle. Save the world. Kill Pee Wee Herman. Sounds like a good motto doesn't it? No, I don't actually want him killed. The world was just better off when he was out of the public eye. I didn't miss him. Did you? If you answered yes to that I want you to think of Pee Wee Herman's laugh. Got it in your head? Good. That's punishment for your stupidity because its all you will be thinking about today. You may even start laughing just like him. Trust me. I know.

Just With the Blink of an Eye

I've been reading this book called, "Blink," which basically says that you can read a situation or person as fast as the blink of an eye. Dude, I can so totally do that. I have very good intuition, especially when it comes to people. So, I did a little experiment at work today to see how good my skills really are. Right when a customer approached my counter I would instantly think of one word that would best describe their personality. I had to do this just by evaluating their body language, facial expressions, and attitude, all within the blink of an eye. Bitch, impatient, cocky, bitch, genuine, obnoxious, bitch, loud-mouth, mellow, bitch. That was basically what I was thinking all night. Notice that the majority of the time the first word I thought of was bitch. That is pretty much my cliental in a nutshell. Either that or I just think most women are bitches. I would have to say that both are true. Well, at any rate, I bet my findings would come out pretty accurate if they were thoroughly investigated. Since I am only on page 50 out of like 250, it's pretty likely I will be conducting more experiments within the coming weeks to further test my mad skills...Stay tuned...

F.U.P.A.

F.U.P.A. is not a good phrase to have stuck in your head. Since it constantly seems to be on my mind lately, it's like it's all I notice. Pretty sick thing to notice huh? Well, don't blame me, people need to just stop talking about it because it is fucking grossing me out. Especially when people are aiming it at one particular person, you can't help but cringe when you're around them. Plus, it reminds me of a song parody. It's called "F.U.P.A." but sung to the tune of "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. (Pretty fitting group name huh?) "Don't cha wish your girlfriend had a F.U.P.A. like me?" No, I really don't wish that kind of thing on anybody actually! So please, no more F.U.P.A. talk because we really might need to carry a travel size bottle of scope around with us for every time we hurl in our mouth when we spot one. In fact, I may just do it anyways. Ya know, to be on the safe side.

We Have a Trekkie Tree?

I really want to put up the Christmas tree and all the decorations this year. I really do. But, every year we put up the tree, we never want to take it down. In fact, most past years we haven't taken it down until April. One year it might have been as late as June. At that point, you're half way to Christmas again, so what would be the point of taking it down? I just don't want to run into that kind of scenario again. It's pretty sad that the main reason to not put the tree up is that you're too damn lazy to take it down. We just have sooooo many ornaments, it seems like it takes for bloody ever to get them all hung on the damn tree. Last year we decided to put a mini tree up, like a 3 footer, to save some work. We ended up just moving it to the spare bedroom. At least it was mobile right? Plus, we have the most nerdy Christmas tree ever. It is filled with fucking Star Trek ornaments. Every year my fiance's mom buys him the new Star Trek ornament from Hallmark. I cannot even begin to tell you how many he has. I just realized we have a Trekkie tree. Oh dear god. Well, on that note I vote a big NO on putting up the tree this year. Bahumbug. Again.

Please Don't Fan Your Ass

Sometimes couples get a little too comfortable around their significant other. Most of the time, I would say it's a good thing you know each other so well, and that you feel like you can be yourself. But, sometimes you have to draw a line. Now, I don't particularly care if you fart or burp around me. People do it. It's not the end of the world. However, when I see you walking toward me, fanning out your ass, we may start to have some issues. Fanning your ass after a nasty fart does not keep it from venturing near my nostrils. I'm still going to get a whiff of it, we both just need to deal with it. So please, no more gestures. The fart alone is bad enough on it's own.

Straw-ba-ba-ba-berry

I still sleep with my baby blanket. It has Strawberry Shortcake on it, and after 25 years it's still in pretty good condition. I'm almost like a female version of Linus. I cannot sleep well without it. I will never get rid of it either and hopefully when I'm 80, there's enough of it left to still cuddle with. My favorite part of my blanket is that when I'm cold I take it and tie it around my neck. My fiance calls me Super Berry. Sometimes I will even do the superman when he says this and make a noise like "dododo DOOOOO"! Like "here I come to save the day!" haha I'm sure glad he doesn't mind me being attached to my blanket. If he ever made me choose one or the other, Strawberries wins hands down. ;)

Rudolph is Dead

My work started playing Christmas music today. We have to listen to it for 8 hours straight, 6 days a week, until Christmas. You get into it and sing along for the first few hours, but after that, it just starts going downhill. There's only so many ways you can sing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." Makes me want to go hunt for the Rudolph fella so I can bring it to the taxidermy, put it on my wall, and be like "haha suckers, Rudolph is dead, what are you going to sing about now?" Plus, every 3rd song they were playing was sung by Hilary Duff. That chick should have just stuck with the Lizzie McGuire character. It was the only thing she was half way decent at. Listening to her whiney voice is like nails on 10 chalkboards. Christmas music is supposed to be cheerful, not make someone suicidal. But, seriously, listening to the same songs over and over and over again makes me feel like a grinch. So, Bahumbug.

Stop Starring At Me!

When someone is starring at you, don’t you want to just flat out ask them why? I was at dinner the other day with my family and our server would just stare at me while at the table. It happened so much that my sister asked me if I knew him. No, I did not know him, I have never seen him before in my life! Times like these I wish I was a mind reader. Did he think I was funny looking? Did I have something in my teeth? My fiance was sitting right next to me so I hope he wasn’t starring at me to get my number, but it kinda seemed that way. If that is true, pretty bold to try that move on an almost married woman wouldn’t you say? If you couldn't tell I was with my fiance with my ring on my finger and our PDA then you need to get your eyes checked. And since your making appointments you might as well get your brain checked out too, you dumbass. Remember that a few looks are flattering, but doing it consistently and you are just becoming a creeper. So, please waiter guy, stop fucking starring at me. If you have something you want to say, say it already, or keep your eyes to yourself!

Would You Like Some Pie With Your Cool Whip?

Give me a container of cool whip and a spoon and I will eat the whole thing. Hell, you can give the container without the spoon and I’d still eat the whole thing with just my finger. I freakin love cool whip. Thanksgiving happens to be prime cool whip season, which makes me love the holiday even more. I will take a piece of pumpkin pie and put at least 3 big scoops of cool whip on it. My fiance always asks me if I would like some pie with my cool whip. I often respond with a “yes”, but only a wee-bit. God forbid the pie was to mask the flavor of the cool whip. I would not let that happen!
*Side note: While typing this post I kept writing “piss” instead of pie. So try re-reading it with the word “piss”. You’ll get an extra laugh...or two.

LAME-O

This was the most boring season of Dancing With the Stars I have ever seen. Seriously, Donny Osmond was the fucking winner? What kind of shit is that? I can’t even begin to tell you how much he bugs me. The only reason I kinda was like “yay” was for Kym. She has been on the show so long and she deserved a win on her roster. Most of the “stars” were so fucking annoying I wanted to punch them right through the screen. Especially that Joanna chic. OMFG. She might be the most annoying person in the whole entire world. And the pros didn’t really have great choreography this year. Every year I always remember some performances because they were just outstanding. I give them a FAIL on that this year. Too bad Julianne won’t be back for awhile, if ever. She actually brought excitement to the show. Oh well, I give the whole season a big LAME-O.

Go For It Adam Lambert

If Adam Lambert feels like kissing a guy during a performance, then I say go for it. If he also wants to do some hip thrusting, I say go for that too. I’m so sick of people judging someone based on their sexual preference. And if you say it has nothing to do with the fact that he is gay, you just didn’t think that it was an appropriate performance, then I say you’re a liar. There’s more sex and gay relations going on in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy than there was in that performance. If girl on girl action happened instead, the only reaction would be high fives. I’m not going to say that I didn’t say “whoa” during his performance about 5 times, because I did. But, only for the plain fact that I was shocked he had the courage to do those things. I commend him for being true to himself and his art form, and he shouldn’t have to apologize to anyone for that.

My Turkey Toned Arms

I get pretty buff during the holidays. Those 20 lb turkeys sure do a number on my arms. I get to go to work and get toned arms at the same time. It’s like they are paying me to work out. Sure it’s not the conventional weight lifting system, but weight is weight whether it’s a turkey or dumbbell. Maybe I should make a workout dvd. If my method works for me, maybe it will work for others. Who wouldn’t want to watch a workout dvd that also features food? Food is appealing and eye catching. I will call it My Turkey Toned Arms. Yeah, that sounds good. And the plus side of lifting turkeys over dumbbells is that you can eat it after you work out with it. And turkey is good for you, so it’s a win-win situation! I predict I have a best seller on my hands...

Muffin Top

If you have a muffin top I demand that you stop wearing low rise jeans. For one thing no one wants to see your fat hanging out on either side of the jeans. I don't care that you are fat, just wear more appealing pants. Low rise jeans accentuate your muffin top. For another thing, I really don't want to see your crack. Wear some goddamn pants that fit. I don't care if they had a sale at Wet Seal. Just because they are $15 doesn't mean you should get them. You’re basically paying $15 for people to see a show of your crack. That's the kind of thing other people should be paying you for. So, please for the sake of the world's eyes go out and get some normal fucking jeans. Trust me, you will be amazed on how much better and skinner you will look.

Not Down With the Cool Kids

I never thought that being 24 would really constitute as being old until I walked into the theater for the midnight showing of New Moon. It looked like a middle school cafeteria up in there. Not only were the youngins starring at us for our age, but we also adorned Twilight t-shirts. We might has well drawn a L on our foreheads for god's sake. We thought kids these days still made t-shirts for this kind of thing, but apparently not. We were so not down with the cool kids. It's like we had one of those moments when your parents are trying to do something they think is cool, but you get so embarrassed because they look like fucking morons. Yeah except we were like the parents this time. At least we could be less conspicuous and sit in the back of the theater. God forbid we were to draw anymore attention to us. Needless to say we will not be attending anymore midnight showings of this most appealing saga.

Men Are Jackasses

After people watching and eavesdropping while I was at the bars last week, I’ve noticed that most men are jackasses. So, I have compiled a list of things for men NOT to do while on a date.
-No howling like a wolf if you think a woman is hot. You are neither a fucking werewolf nor apart of the Twilight saga. Get over it.
-When telling a girl her best qualities, the first thing you shouldn’t say is that she has nice tits. And you should definitely not add that that’s the first thing you noticed about her.
-Unless you are talking to a hooker, do not tell a girl you want to throw her around like a rag doll. And if you get to the point of throwing her around like a rag doll, do not proceed to say "we have to cut this short."
-Don’t beat yourself up all night for not holding the door open for us. We could really fucking care less. And don’t tell us about this the day after because if that’s all you can remember about the night then you have some weird fucking issues. You should probably see a therapist. Just saying.
-Don’t buy a shot that tastes like cough syrup unless you want it to be spit out all over you. And if you can honestly say that tastes good then at some point in your life you probably did drugs. You were probably one those kids who downed a whole bottle of cough syrup to get a little high. And drinking this nasty shot brings you back to the good ole days. And again, we go back to the therapist issue.
-Do not pick us up on the sidewalk to make yourself look manly. Just because you can, does not mean that you should. Because you shouldn’t. You embarrass us and yourself at the same time. You do not get a cookie for that.
-Do not tell us that something tastes like shit after you just offered us some of it. So you want us to taste your shitty meal? Well, how fucking kind of you. Jackass.
-Do not paint a picture of what life could be like for the two of you in the future, you’re on a fucking date, it’s not like you just proposed for god’s sake. If you are saying lines like that, you are probably a douche bag and my eight ball predicts that she won’t want to be with you in the future anyways.

Bombard Us

(I would like to thank Jenny for being a contributor to the following post.) Women just want to be pampered and have a little romance in their lives. If any men are reading this and they feel like they are stuck in a rut with their woman, keep reading and you will find out (in detail) EXACTLY what you need to do. When we get home, or walk into the room, you need to come right to us, grab us, and start kissing us. (And all before we even have a chance to put our purse and keys down.) Then we want you to put us up against the wall and make us feel like you have never wanted us more as much as you do in that moment. That’s really all it takes to get back into the groove. I know it seems like a movie clip, but women want to feel like they are in a movie. So, do it. Just because you’ve been with a girl forever, doesn’t mean you’re too good to just make out anymore. Girls like kissing, get used to it. The moral of this story is that you basically need to bombard us. Just remember one thing though, don’t overdue it because we will eventually get annoyed and you will be back in your rut again.

My Liver Hates Me

It may not be a wise idea to make a pre New Year’s, New Year’s resolution. (Try saying that 10 times fast.) I’m just saying it could be a bad idea. In my case, my liver hates me. My friend Jenny and I, for some reason, decided it would be a good idea to go out more and get out of our comfort zones. I guess that also means drinking. I have had alcohol 3 days this past week. If this is going to be a trend in my new found personality, you may need to enlist me in AA. 3 days may not seem like a lot for most of you, but for me, that’s more days of drinking than I do for one whole year. Not to mention the amount of money that my liver seems to be filtering out. I think we need to add a clause to this pre New Year’s, New Year’s resolution: Only drink when someone buys it for us. Sound good Jenny?

A Black & White Little People Western

I'm one of those people who has to sleep with the TV on. My fiance hates it. So, to make it so the screen isn't as bright he puts it on the A & E channel. During the nighttime hours they play old black and white movies, so it totally helps the brightness issue, but we also turn the sound down all the way, so I just end up having to guess what the characters are saying. Well, I happen to be the world's lightest sleeper so I wake up at least 5 times a night and sometimes I can't fall back asleep right away, so I will unfortunately move my eyes towards the TV. Have you ever had the privilege of watching those movies? I mean, they are on at like 3 am, so you probably haven't, but they sure do put some shit on there. One time I woke up to a black and white little people western. What a fucking combination huh? Like the whole plot wasn't interesting enough by itself, but I got to make up my own dialogue too. While creepishly laughing on the inside, I tried lip reading the movie for about a half an hour before falling asleep again. I have to say, as shitty as some of those nighttime movies are, I give this one props for keeping my attention for more than a few minutes. Who wouldn't be intrigued by a little people western?

You Disgust Me

Who would tell their daughter she has a fine booty like Alicia Keys? Especially when your daughter is in the 8th grade? I'd slap the goddamn bastard. This guy also tells me he thinks his daughter may have an eating disorder because she says she's fat and needs to be on a diet. Well, I wonder how that got put in her head? Parental figures need to realize that what they say to their children and how they react to situations can highly contribute to their child's behavior. And in this case, her self esteem. I think he wins the biggest creeper father award. I shouldn't be surprised about anything he tells me, because this is also the guy that comes into the store and moves his pecs up and down for me. While is 10 year old son is standing right there. Is that fucking appropriate sir? I think not. You disgust me. The sad thing is that this guy is also a firefighter. I sure wouldn't want to depend on a guy like that to save my life.

It's All Khloe's Fault...

You know you are ridiculous when you stay awake to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians wedding special. I needed to go to bed since it was 12:30 am, and I needed to be up at 5:30. But, no. For some reason I was intrigued to stay up and watch the dramatic wedding celebration of Khloe. And I stayed up for the whole damn thing. What a waste of 2 hours. After finishing watching it I was like "there's 2 hours of sleep I could have got, but now never won't." What a dumbass. The worst thing about the whole show was that it literally brought tears to my eyes. I must have been fucking tired to be crying over the wedding of fucking Khloe Kardashian. This worries me because I am not a girlie girl, and I don't cry over much of anything. So if her wedding can bring tears to my eyes, what the hell is it going to do to me at my own wedding? Oh well, at least I've known my fiance for almost 9 years unlike the one whole month she knew Lamar. Who does that? My magic 8 ball says that "signs point to yes" on them getting a divorce in the near future...

I’m Too Nice To Hit Someone

I’ve always wanted to take a martial arts class. Yesterday I was highly considering it, until I realized it was only a good idea in theory. I want to get into better shape and that would be the perfect outlet for it, plus it would get me out of the house more. But, this particular martial arts program is pretty hardcore. Getting the shit beat out of me does not sound appealing at the moment. I also think I’m too happy and nice to beat/hit someone. The only reason I know about this place is because one of my friends is a member. He was trying to sell me the benefits of joining but it’s no walk in the park. He always has bruises and black eyes and his body is always sore. Umm, I say no way to getting a black eye. You can hit me anywhere but the face and the stomach...well maybe. Plus, you could just brush my arm with the slightest touch of hand, and I’d probably get a bruise from it. That’s how easy I bruise! So I’m thinking it’s not one of my brightest ideas, and I’ll have to put it on the back burner...for now at least.

The Unglamorous Life

I am living the most unglamorous life of a 24 year old woman. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and think "omg, where in the hell has my life gone?" I have the constant stench of fish on my hands and arms, I have blood spots on my pants (get that thought out of your mind, it's not from my period you sick bastards), and I walk around with various chunks of meat on my shoes. Wow. What a life. How did a girl like me get caught up in the meat department business? I remember when I started in the meat department when I was 19. The only reason I agreed to the promotion was for the money. I sure got a slap in the face when I found out what the job really entailed. Touching meat grosses me out. That's not a good thing for a meat department worker. Till this day it still gives me the heebie jeebies. I give props to myself for putting up with it as long as I have. Well, I'm off to take a shower, I smell like a fucking aquarium.

Keith Urban is a Woman

I have yet to see a picture of Keith Urban where he does not look like a woman. My friends are in love with him and think he's the hottest man alive. What the hell. Seriously, it looks like a blind person cut his hair. You would think that he would be able to afford at least a semi-decent stylist. I also think he has a womanly figure. I swear he has a little curve action going on there. And what is with the fancy jeans? I don't think guys are supposed to wear jeans with fancy stitching and embroidery on them. I know a few dudes in my real life who prefer that style. Just so you know it doesn't make you come off as a bad ass. You may think I feel this way because I despise country music, but regardless of any music genre, I would tell you if someone has the hot factor. Keith just doesn't do it for me. I am actually googling images of him as we speak to try and change the way that I feel about him. On one of his cd covers he actually looks like a freakin kangaroo. What a way to give a shout out to your hometown Keith! After going through 10 pages of images my final conclusion is that he was indeed born a woman and takes testosterone pills to grow that scruffy beard.

My 960 Calorie Consumption

I just consumed 960 calories. Do you think it was from a nice meal at Outback? Oh, how I wish. How about a Big Mac meal from McDonalds? Nope, that is definitely not it. I just had a 7 oz. bag of Tootsie Rolls. I swear to God Halloween season can fucking kiss my ass. There’s candy all around me and I don’t have the strength to say no to all of it’s deliciousness. I didn’t even realize that I kept eating them, it became so habitual I kept popping them in my mouth, one after the other. I finally snapped out of my candy hypnosis and decided to check the nutritional facts on the bag. It says that there are 6 servings per bag. Holy fucking cow. I’m going to gain back all the weight I have lost just by eating all this candy in the past few weeks. This madness has got to stop. First the candy corn took a hold of me and now these damn tootsies. Well, with the holiday season quickly approaching and my wedding dress having already been ordered, I need to snap out of this candy funk fast before it gets too outta control. I guess I better make some extra trips up and down my magical weight loss stairs. They seem to be doing wonders for me so far. ;)

My Knees Are Shaking

My knees are shaking and my body feels like it’s shutting down. I have H1N1 so I have to go home. Really? REALLY?! People actually buy that bull shit? Since when did “shaking knees” become a symptom of the swine flu? Although, I do think he had the flu, but it’s called the bottle flu, which this guy seems to be very acquainted with. I mean, this guy really is one of the best bull shitters I know. He deserves like an Academy Award for being a good bull shitter, but I don’t know how some people can believe some of the bs that comes out of his mouth! I’ve known him long enough to tune out most of it, but seriously, some people are just clueless and plain old dumb when it comes to thinking about the truth of things. And not even so much as the truth, but anything that can remotely be believable. When he came to work the next day I asked him how his fake H1N1 was. He said he never told people he was sick in the first place. So I guess everyone in the store just pulled that story out of their asses huh? Regardless, “shaking knees” will constitute as being the lamest excuse ever to leave work early. And I will forever make fun of him for it.

I’m Hacking Up A God Damn Lung

Note to self: Don’t tease your fiance about being a hypochondriac for a few weeks prior to him getting the swine flu. A few weeks back, he comes home from work freaking out that his coworker has a confirmed case of H1N1. The next day he says his stomach hurts and he thinks he has the swine flu. A few days later, he complains that he’s hot and he might have a fever. Which again leads him to say that he has the swine flu. I don’t buy any of it and just laugh at him. Day after day it became a joke between us. He would complain of some kind of symptom and we would laugh because he thinks he is sick. Then all of a sudden he got a sore throat and a cough. This just wasn’t any cough, it was a “I’m hacking up a god damn lung” cough. Over night he progressively got worse and I knew right then he actually had the flu. Boy, did I just feel like an ass. That’s proof right there when you constantly keep thinking you are sick (but you really aren‘t), you actually get sick. Poor thing. Next time I just won’t tease him as much. Maybe that will help. Although someone did tell me that maybe it was his karma for shooting me. I’ll have to ponder that one...jk

He Isn’t That Cute in Fake Life

Jenny and I thought it would be a good idea to introduce our bff, Erica, to the Twilight movie for our girls’ night. I knew it was going to be a rough task because while Erica and I were out shopping before Jenny got off work, I saw a shirt that said Team Jacob on it. I held it up to Erica and was like, “Omg! This is perfect for Jenny!” Erica was like, “What’s Team Jacob?” Uh oh. I don’t think she has the slightest clue to what this movie is about. Apparently she hasn’t heard the massive hype that has surrounded it. Not very far into the movie, she asked if something was wrong with the color of the picture because it looked very dark and gray. Jenny and I just looked at each other and laughed. Erica thought we needed to turn the brightness up. She also said the people look very pale and deathly. But, I think that’s the point. lol I kept looking over at her and she looked bored out of her mind. It was like the 20th time I had seen the movie so you think if anyone was to get bored, it would’ve been me. But, nope, didn’t happen. I was just as intrigued as the first time I saw it. The movie sadly came to an end and Jenny and I were still oogling over Rob Pattinson aka Edward Cullen. I said he isn’t that cute in real life and Erica chimed in that he isn’t that cute in fake life! To each his own right? Well, I would say we failed to turn Erica into a Twilight junkie. At least I have Jenny and my fiance to gush over it with. (Although they are WAY more obsessed with the whole thing than I am. ;)

I've Been Shot

My fiance shot me. Yep. I’m still in shock about it too. He said it wasn’t intentional but I think when you point a gun at someone and point the trigger right at them, I’d say that constitutes as being intentional. We were just chillin at a Halloween party and he was playing around with an airsoft gun. I guess he thought it would be funny to shoot me in the bare stomach from 3 feet away. It hurt like a bitch. The spot turned into a big, purple welt instantaneously. Great. I was only a freakin belly dancer for Halloween and he shot me in the god damn stomach. Well, doesn’t that welt just look fucking attractive next to my belly jewels. I was so mad, I wanted to just crush his nuts. It’s been a few days since the horrid event, and the welt is still there. If the thing leaves a scar, my fiance will never live this down. On the bright side of things, at least I can say I’ve been shot right?

It Just Wanted Some Wind Through It’s Fur!

I'm driving down the freeway when I notice the car in front of me has something hanging from underneath it. I really wish I hadn't seen it at all, because this was a major distraction. I couldn't keep my eyes off it. I just had to know what was flopping in the wind on this tiny little Honda Civic. To get a better look, and I went over to the next lane and started to speed up and get in front of it. I look in my rearview mirror and it looked like some kind of furry animal. I thought for a moment and took another look. O.M.G. I swear it was a raccoon hanging on for dear life to the undercarriage of the car! Wow. Either it was actually still alive and wanted to get some wind through it’s fur, or it somehow got impaled to the thing and just happened to look like it was hanging on. Or these people are slightly on the redneck side and put the thing there on purpose. Either way, I was perplexed at the sight of the thing all day.

No Tears, No Chills, No Goosebumps

I'm sitting here watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and I can't help but wonder if I'm the only girl in the world who didn't grow up thinking about my wedding day. When I was young I never wanted to get married and have kids. I didn't grow up thinking I was a princess either. I guess I was more of a tomboy than I thought I was! Every girl on this show tears up when they try on their first wedding dress. I can't help but laugh at them because that's a concept I don't think I will ever understand! You know how I found mine? I searched on the internet, found a fun dress and called all over the area to find one to try on. I went to try it on, and it was so me, the decision was made. Well, that was easy. There were no tears, no chills, no goosebumps. All I want is to be myself, not to conform to what others think a bride should be. I think that's how every bride should think, but we all know that's not going to happen. And it's ok, because I need shows like that to make me laugh anyways.

Mark Ballas

I was sitting there, playing my guitar when Mark Ballas comes into the room. He sat right next to me, pulled out his guitar, and we started jamming together. We kept smiling at each other and having so much fun even though he only ended up playing with me for a few minutes. He then got up, and I whispered in his ear, “I think we could be great friends.” Then he whispers back in mine, “I’m not looking for a relationship, I have a girlfriend.” Geez, Mark, I wasn’t even thinking in that direction! Although, it wouldn’t be that bad would it? Then I woke up and was like, how the hell am I dreaming of freakin Mark Ballas? I must be watching way too much Dancing With the Stars lately. Or I've been stalking him too much on Twitter. Hmm.

I Won't Pee My Pants After All!

Note to self, make sure you go pee before you play hide and seek. My niece decided she wanted play hide and seek outside, in the dark. Well, it was my fiance’s turn to be the counter and we girls had to hide somewhere. My dad has a lot of trees in his back yard so I decided to just hide behind a tree. So I spotted one and start running to it and noticed it’s a lot smaller than it seemed from far away. How the hell am I supposed to hide behind that tiny thing? I almost decided to find another tree to hide behind when all of a sudden I had to pee so bad I thought I was just going to pee my pants right then and there! I knelt down to ease the pressure and was hoping to be the first one to be seeked! Then my niece came running toward me looking for a place to hide, and we decided to run together and find another spot, when hallelujah! We were found! I won't pee my pants after all!

Oh, He's a Boy? My Bad.

If you don’t want me to mistake your son for a girl it might be a good idea to not have his hair in pig tail braids. We were celebrating Halloween at my store and I was handing out the candy to all the kids in their costumes. All of a sudden, a huge rush of little kids come up to me and I start handing the candy out. Everyone was going crazy and I had missed one kid. I called “sweetie, you forgot your candy!” Then I saw the child’s mom and was like, “she didn’t get any candy.” The mom was like “oh, well he’s a boy, he just has long hair.” Oh, he's a boy? My bad. I don’t mind if you are a boy and have long hair, but is it really necessary to put your hair in braided pigtails? You are just asking for confusion. The boy is going to look back at pictures of when he was young and ask, “why do I look like a girl mommy?” The poor boy, I know how it feels.

Bald and Gray

Do you know how much hair I lose everyday? When I take a shower I swear clumps of my hair fall out. When I brush my hair, even more comes out! Am I the only one that this is happening to? I swear I should be bald by now from the amount of hair I have lost. I’m going to be one of those unfortunate souls who has thinning hair by the age of 30. I’ll need hair club for women. What’s even worse is that I am also starting to get gray hair. Yep, I noticed the first gray strand about 6 months ago. I plucked it out, then I dyed my hair so it wasn’t an issue for awhile. But, now the dye has since faded and I have MANY gray hairs up in there. It’s to the point where I don’t even have the patience to sit there and try to find them all. I guess I’m also going to have to buy the hair dye that covers grays too. You would think I’m much older than 24 with these issues that I have. At this rate, I will probably die of natural causes by the age of 40. My life line on my palm is short for a reason I guess. *Sigh*

People of Walmart...

My friend shared this website with me a while back. It's basically people taking ridiculous looking people's pictures in Walmart and posting them and their captions for everyone to enjoy. I HIGHLY suggest you check it out, but beware, it can be very addicting so please allow yourself some time to browse...

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com

Random Facts About My Day...

-I felt like there was something stuck in both my eyes today, so I kept rubbing and picking at them.
-Gravity was not on my side, almost everything I touched ended up on the floor.
-I have had the song “Meet Me Halfway” by the BEP stuck in my head. Especially Fergie’s part.
-I’ve been singing “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morissette.
-I am craving candy corn.
-I was pushing around a bread cart at work today and I had a flashback to the good ole times of Scooter City in elementary school.
-I am wearing Strawberry Shortcake pajamas.
-I swear I could smell weed while sitting on my couch watching TV.
-I tried to make it all the way home with my gas tank on E. After 15 miles I decided I should probably get gas.
-I’m excited that my fantasy lover Mikko helped the MN Wild actually win a game tonight.
-I don’t want to admit that I’m starting to like the song “Fireflies” by Owl City, but I kind of am.

Go Figure...

I saw an ad on a commercial for a life size Edward Cullen cardboard cut-out available at Nordstrom’s for only $30. I told my fiance about this most amazing deal, thinking he would be beyond thrilled, and hoped he would ask for it for Christmas. All I got was a dirty look. That same day he was sitting on facebook and decided to take one of those stupid quizzes. It was a “Which Twilight Character Are You?” quiz. So he took it, and guess what his result was? It said, “Bella Swan”. HAHA Go figure right? Maybe he should reconsider that cardboard cut- out after all...

I Could Go Insane at Any Moment...

I honestly can’t believe I get all the things done that I do. I work 6 days a week, totaling 48 hours, but I do leave early sometimes, so maybe minus a few hours off that. I also only get one frickin day off a week. ONE DAY. With that one day off I am usually taking pictures, because my alter ego is also a photographer. So on top of working everyday, I’m also editing pictures. Plus, I cuddle with my fiance, spend time with my family and friends, watch all my favorite TV shows on my dvr, and whatever else I can cram into a day. No wonder I started this blog, I have many opportunities to go insane at any moment. So, thank you to all my readers for being interested in my crazy/busy life, maybe one of these days you will witness a mental breakdown which will result in one hell of an interesting blog. Until then, I will continue to make me life as busy as can be, because I really don’t think I could live any other way...

Channeling My Inner Egyptian

Is it weird that I want to channel the essence of my Halloween costume and be in full character? I know some people look at Halloween as just a good excuse to dress up, which I agree, but I also like to act like the character I’m portraying. Maybe I have a knack for acting and don’t even know it. Hmm. I knew my concept was odd to others when I told them I had to go home and learn how to belly dance. They were like why? I said I was thinking about being a belly dancer for Halloween. Then, the sounds of laughter filled my ears. You know, if you’re going to put all this effort into your costume, you might as well go all out. Well, 2 weeks doesn’t seem to be enough time to learn how to belly dance to the level I would like to be at so my costume idea has since changed. Now I am Cleopatra. I have the right hair-do for it, although I was HIGHLY considering chopping off my bangs again to complete the whole look. I also thought it would be fun to do the “Walk Like an Egyptian” dance all night. Which I will be doing by the way. I wonder how she would talk? That’s something I may have to look into...I know I might be slightly insane, but at least I’m having fun with it right?

Junk Food Feast

Chips and salsa. Airheads. Salt water taffy. Mountain dew. Pizza. Those were the contents of my whole dinner last night. My friend said he wanted to pick up a bunch of junk food for dinner, but I told him I don’t really eat like that anymore. Then he got kinda bummed and when we went to pick the pizza up I decided what the hell, let’s go to the store and get some shit. Bad idea. People must have thought we were stoned off our asses and had a bad case of the munchies with all the junk we were carrying around. We left and went back home, and proceeded to consume all the sugar that we had just bought. By the end of our junk food feast I was so stuffed I couldn’t even breathe. I felt as if I was on the verge of puking, and I unbuttoned my pants for some added relief. Boy, did I ever feel disgusting. I don’t get to see my friend often but when we get together, we sure do pig out. Well, at least it was fun for the time being, I’m off to do some crunches. HA.

Festy Cheerleader?...I'll Take a Raincheck

Some people in my store should wear cheerleading outfits as their uniform. Why you ask? Because their enthusiasm for the company can get a little on the annoying side. Sure they look all cute and their actions can be admirable but after awhile all you want to do is like *slap *slap Get a hold of yourself people! Honestly, I’m really surprised we don’t have some sort of cheer we have to say before we start our shift each day. And since I know that people I work with read this, they will probably mention that idea to management, and the next thing you know is I’ll be looking like a dumb ass doing the Festy cheer just like the rest of them. One person in particular, who is a few years younger than me, strives to be the owner of the whole company someday. Wow. Everyday he is so uppity and full of Festy life, I’m like how the hell can you go about every single work day like that. It seems tiring. I am actually getting tired by thinking about it. Now this kid is what I call the Festy cheerleader, or to make him happier, how about the Festy mascot? He’s probably everything a manager would hope for in an employee, maybe I can learn a thing or two from him...wait... *slap *slap...ok, I’m back to reality now, and I’ll take a raincheck on that idea.

Fart and Quickly Walk Away?

I hate when you walk down an empty grocery aisle and it smells like someone totally ripped ass. What I hate even more is when you keep walking down that stanky aisle and someone approaches your direction. You know they are going to smell it. And you definitely know that they think you are the culprit. You even hope this person doesn't look at you and cringe in disgust. I know it's happened to every single one of you. Not cool. Just because there is no one in the aisle does not mean you can sneak one out without being noticed. They do tend to linger ya know. Sometimes I feel like someone actually shit their pants and stuffed their dirty underwear behind the cereal boxes. At least that would explain why it actually smelt like someone put one of those stink bombs in the aisle. If you really have to let one out please go to the laundry aisle with all the pretty smells. Maybe that will mask your horrid bodily odor. I think the game of "fart and quickly walk away" happens at my store more often than in others because we have alot of elderly who probably can't control that kind of bodily function. But, if you are not apart of that demographic then I say go out and get some gas-x or colonic or something because I'm sick of you stinking out the place.

My Jersey Has a "C" On It For a Reason

Why the hell isn’t Mikko Koivu the captain of the Wild? This is shit. I’m writing a letter to the coach. I want to know what the fucking criteria this coach has for picking a captain. I am not a happy camper right now. As I am watching this game I am on the prowl searching for the new captain of the team. My Koivu jersey has a C on it for a reason people. It does not have an A on it! Geesh! He’s more than an A! I wish I would have known this before watching the game. I can’t even concentrate. All I am looking at is their fucking jerseys searching for the one with the damn C on it. You know what, screw this. I’m going to just look it up on the internet. Oh, my bad. I guess the coach hasn’t picked a captain yet. It could still be Mikko! Yay! Ok, I feel a lot better now. Well, at least until the coach comes out with his pick for captain. I swear, if he doesn’t say Mikko’s name, I will get my can of whoop ass out. Do not mess with my love for Mikko people! Not cool!

I Have the Triple Threat

This might be too much information for some of you to take, but I’m getting the triple threat today. I have felt like shit this whole week with a nasty cold and I can’t even breathe. Then I woke up today and noticed that it looks like I’m getting a cold sore on my mouth. GREAT. Not only do I have a cold, but now I’m getting a herpes outbreak too. Just lovely. A few minutes after that I got yet another lovely reminder about what day it actually was. Shit. I’m getting my period today. It all has to happen at once doesn’t it? My day consisted of snorting Afrin up my nose like it’s freakin cocaine, putting chapstick just underneath my nose because I look like Rudolph who got wind burn, and poppin Midol like it’s candy so I don’t just freak out about the whole situation. Now that’s what I call a bad day!

I Wish I Could Punch the Guy

If you think you have an annoying boss, you should come work with mine for a day. He really bugs the shit out of me. I am to the point now where I can get along with him, but that’s only because I just let his bull shit go in one ear and out the other. He comes off as being one of the most unintelligent people I have ever known. He asks the most dumb questions and yet talks to you like you are the one who doesn’t know anything. The worst thing is that when he knows your starting to get annoyed with him, he eggs you on even more. There are times when I wish I could just punch the guy in the face. You could ask anyone that works at my store, and they would all tell you the same thing. I used to feel bad for the guy because at one point he was going through some pretty tough stuff. But after hearing him complain and whine about nearly everything in his life for the past 2 years, I realized it’s no one’s fault but his own. Oh well, this is my “bitch about my boss” rant for the day...

I Have a Bitch Face?

Apparently I have a bitch face. When I am just chillin and relaxin, my normal resting face appears to be not so delightful to others. My mom recently snapped a picture of me at my nephews birthday party and I look down right pissed off. I was just standing there, enjoying him open up his gifts. Yet, I looked super freakin crabby! Then, at my friends wedding, a few people thought I was crabby. I was getting my makeup done and telling the artist to do whatever she wants. Not because I was annoyed, but because I had faith that she would do a good job. Take note that if I am just standing there, off in my own little world, and it appears to be that I am mad as hell, there’s no need to think I have a major problem. My normal resting face just appears to be not so pleasant as I’d like it to be. This would be something I’d like to work on, but I guess I don’t really care that much.

I Am a Stalker

Photographers beware. If you have a photo blog chances are pretty high that if I find yours, I will be a stalker. I will literally spend hours on the internet searching for photo blogs, and stalking the ones that I really like. By stalk, I mean check their site out on an almost daily basis. So it’s really not a creepy thing, it’s a compliment more than anything. I just love to see other photographer’s work, I get inspiration and ideas. I admit that I probably stalk too much, but it’s clearly an obsession. My fiance will see me on the computer and ask who I am stalking today. That's probably not a good sign. All of them are on my “websites to check out everyday” list. I check them out almost as much as I go on facebook. And everyone knows how much I am addicted to that site. That’s a whole other issue in itself. So, I decided I need to ground myself from the computer. Or from photoblogs. At least for awhile. Outta sight, outta mind right? Well, we’ll see...

That Shit Makes Me Cooky

I felt pretty miserable on Sunday night so I decided to take some Nyquil. I don’t know why people take hard drugs when Nyquil is over the counter. That shit makes me cooky. I didn’t even feel like myself. I was restless with a little bit of dizziness, it’s like I didn’t know where my mind was actually at. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and said, “Shit. This stuff is strong.” haha I obviously couldn’t ever handle being on the “hard” drugs if I think Nyquil has some badass qualities. It obviously worked it’s magic considering I don‘t really remember much about the evening. The only thing I do remember was that it made me feel loopy. Although it made me feel better, I did not take it for the rest of the duration of my sickness. My everyday normal self does not like to feel like that, but it was nice to live on the wild side, even if it was just for one night. ;)

Whore'n It Up For Halloween?

I’ve been trying to decide what to be for Halloween this year. I kinda want to whore it up a little bit, I guess it’s the one time of year I could get away with it. Plus, I’ve lost almost 20 pounds and look rather good with a minimal amount of clothes on. lol I want to take advantage of my situation I guess. The other day, my fiance and I went out to look at some costumes. I swear all they have out there now for skimpier costumes are either the same old boring ones, or ones that shouldn’t have been made into a skimpier costume in the first place. i.e. A nurse, cop, batman, or spiderman. My dream Halloween costume sure isn’t spiderman, I can tell you that right now. Side note: My fiance might like the spiderman costume idea though, he is rather in love with that character, it’s like his alter ego. Anyways, I couldn’t find anything I liked at all the stores so I asked Jim what he thought I should be. I asked him if he had a fantasy and what he would want me to wear. I got nothing out of him! I told him, “C’mon, it’s my one chance to whore it up for you!” He replies with, “I don’t want you to look like a whore. If I wanted one, I wouldn’t be with you, would I?” He’s pretty sweet. And kinda lame. haha I just want to look sexy for him for one night, but he doesn’t think like a normal guy. And I guess I’m really lucky for that. :)

Is the Superbowl in October?

Some stores sure do over-the-top things to try to bring in more sales. My store in particular decided to go all out with decorations and displays for the upcoming Vikings vs. Packers game. They had me make football chalkboards, and write and decorate the windows on my chef case with football helmets. I even had to go to a party store to get football decorations. I think it's just kinda funny because I don't ever remember going all out for a football game, not even the superbowl. But, if you were to walk into my store, you would definitely think the Vikings were in the superbowl. Don't get me wrong, I love decorating and making signs, and I wish I could do it every day. But, I guess I don't get the correlation between lots of decorations equaling more sales.

Sir?

"Sir? Wait, are you a boy or a girl?" You seriously can't tell what gender I am people? WOW. I am 100% female. At work, I have to wear a uniform, which consists of khaki pants, a black chef coat, and a baseball cap. I suppose that is male attire, but I am still female. Why is it that I get mistaken for a male at least once a week? Last time I checked, I didn't have a low, manly voice. My uniform is rather boyish though, but I have longer hair, which is normally in a pony tail. One of my customer's excuses was that she said some boys wear ponytails now. Gee. Thanks. Do boys also wear flower earrings. Do they wear eye shadow and mascara? Well, some do, I suppose. Do boys often have the body type that I do, with boobs, and hips? Seriously people. This is getting ridiculous. What can I do to make people think I am ALWAYS a girl? ...Sigh...

Naughty Bull

I can cross another thing off my bucket list. Ride a mechanical bull: CHECK! We get to our first bar of the night for bachelorette party and immediately go get a jag bomb. After feeling sick for 5 minutes I head over to the mechanical bull because my friend, who is the bride, is going to ride it first. I wasn’t too sure if I could do it. I almost just threw up and I knew this bull wouldn’t help. After seeing her on it though, I was like screw it, I‘m so doing it! I quickly pay my $5 and was the next one in line. I get on and holy shit, it’s a good thing I have massive leg muscles to clench on to this bull, because it was whipping me everywhere! I seemed to hang on for quite awhile though it seems! But, the inevitable happened, and of course it flew me off . I get back on and I fall off two more times. My ride came to an end and I was so ecstatic that I did it! That was seriously the best $5 I have ever spent. Except for the fact that I have huge green bruises on my inner thighs from that naughty bull. It was well worth it.

I Rocked The Pole

Apparently I was a pole dancer in a previous life because it turns out I'm pretty darn good at it. Just for the record, I have had no previous practice or training. lol This past weekend was one of my best friends bachelorette parties and we had a party bus complete with a stripper pole! I have to admit, I was rather excited about it. It's one of those things that's on my bucket list. I guess my bucket list is stranger than most. Anyways, I have always loved to dance, and over the years people started calling me Shaniqua because I can move like a black girl. I don't get out much, let alone to go dancing, so I was pretty stoked for the whole night in general. As soon as we got on that bus we put my girls' night out mix cd in, and all of us just started to bust a move. My friend's girls were all pretty impressed by my moves. After working it for awhile it was my turn on the pole. Since there were only chicks at this party, I felt pretty relaxed, unless that was the alcohol kicking in. Let's just say I felt comfortable on that pole. They were like wow look at her go. haha. I now know that it's not a profession I would ever consider because damn do my leg muscles frickin hurt. Or they could hurt just for the plain fact that I was dancing nonstop for 5 hours. Either way, I rocked that pole!

I Buy One, I Get One Free?

Why is the concept of a 'Buy One, Get One Free' deal so hard for some people to grasp? These past few days we've had Top Sirloin Steaks on a BOGO deal. The coupon is pretty self explanatory, for me anyways. About 75% of my customers will come up to me and ask, so if I buy one, I get one free right? No people, we are lying to you. We just printed out the coupons for shits and giggles. God, you people are retarded. I have also had customers come up to me and ask if they can just get one free. I'm like, you have to buy one, to get one free. What dumb asses. Another customer comes up to me and asks if the Tenderloin steaks are also on the BOGO deal, right after I told him that the Sirloin was the BOGO deal. Are you deaf sir? And of course the Tenderloin isn't a BOGO deal, it's frickin $24.99 lb! Do you think this company can afford to give you a free piece of filet mignon? HA! Nice try! You people need to get some more common sense or a brain for that matter because I'm sick of pointing out the obvious to you.

The Train That Never Came

I'm on my way to work, driving down the road at 6 am, when I notice the train rails are down and the lights are flashing. I always have the most perfect timing. I go up, stop at the arms, and wait. I wait a minute, and no train goes by. I wait another 2 minutes, and still no train. I am the first car in line and 2 cars pull up behind me. Where is this frickin train? I wait another 5 minutes. Still no train! I have no clue what to do. Is the train signal just stuck or is there a train 5 miles down the road? I'm going to be late to work if I wait any longer! So, I get out of my car and signal to all the other cars that we need to back up and find another way around. The last car in line comes up beside my car and asks how long until the train goes by. Seriously? I'm like, I've been waiting here nearly 10 minutes now and no train has gone by so I have no freakin clue. He asks if I know another way around, which I reply no, but I ask him where he's headed. He's going in the same direction as me so I just told a complete stranger to follow me. What else was a suppose to do? Well, I finally made it to work, but I am still dumb founded about what the hell was going on with this train that never came. Hmm.

Is My Name Sharon?

Maybe I should just change my name to Sharon, because apparently that's what everyone thinks it is. When I answer the phone at work, 75% of the customers repeat my name as Sharon. When I say my name, does it have an "r" sound in it? Because last time I checked there wasn't an "r" in my name. When I am talking to a customer, they read my name tag that says Shannon, and say how are you Sharon? People need to stop being so lazy and read the whole damn word before saying it out loud. This has been going on for years! I used to correct people, but I just don't even bother anymore. The worst thing about it is that I despise the name Sharon. Sorry to any Sharon's out there, I just don't like your name. Plus the name does not fit my personality whatsoever, and it makes me seem 20 years older than I am. So please people, my name is Shannon, not Sharon, get it right!

Large Ass

I need double stick tape for my underwear. I just bought 3 new pairs from Victoria Secret and apparently their sizing has changed. I have always worn a medium. I know what some of you may be thinking, like Shannon, you have a Shaniqua butt, how the hell can you wear a medium? Well, it's true. They fit pretty perfectly. Until now. Why do they keep creepin up all day? It's like they almost don't cover my cheeks anymore. I mean, I've had just about enough of these underwear issues lately! You would think that after losing 18 pounds, a size medium would be more than big enough to fit my ass. I refuse to buy a large because then I would be a large ass. I know it's just a size, but seriously. Designers need to stick to one sizing system, for forever! I know my butt has shrunk and I blame them for thinking I have a large ass again! Geesh. Maybe I should just stick to thongs, at least they are supposed to be up your butt all day.

You Don’t Want a Drooling Rabbit?

I've heard some strange things from customers in my life, but this one sure take the cake. Here is the actual conversation that she had with me. "Why do you sell hedge balls if humans aren't supposed to eat them? I think that's weird. I've never been in here before, I work for Cub, but I'm on medical leave. My mom doesn't know I'm on medical leave though, but she pays my mortgage for me. I just stopped in here for carrots for my rabbit. She needs moisture in the morning. I have to put the rabbit in her bedroom when I cook though because she thinks I'm going to cook her. She just hops all around very frantically. I don't want to give it a lobotomy though because I don't want a drooling rabbit. Well, enough of my crazy talk, I should be going." You're damn right enough of your crazy talk! This woman needs to be in the nut house. She definitely wins the strangest customer EVER award!

Rent-A-Friend

It's pretty sad when you have to practically beg every person you know to come out with you and see a band play. I literally asked every available person that I knew and finally two of my friends from work came out with me. It's not like I don't have any friends, I have an abundance of them. Everyone is just always too busy or lazy to do anything. It sucks for me because I am very much a people person. That's why someone should start a rent-a-friend website service. You type in the qualities that you want in a friend and list of possible matches pop up. You see who is available and is willing to chill with you for the night. It's pathetic I know, but it would be a good way to meet new people and always have someone to hang out with. In the meantime, I may have to get used to doing things by myself. But, my work friends sure were good sports about being at a place that was not their scene and I very much enjoyed their company.

Please Don't Pimp Out Your Minivan

Can someone please explain to me why a person thinks it's necessary to put pimped out rims on a maroon 1991 GMC Safari minivan? Seriously, you look like a jackass. The sad thing is that morons have been doing this for years. You always see a Geo metro with a big frickin spoiler on it too. What a waste of money. Maybe you should take all that money you spend pimping out your piece of shit and buy something a little nicer. But, we all know that you won't because somewhere along the line your common sense ran away. Having a piece of shit car with a few pimped out accessories does not make it, or you, the next best thing since sliced bread. And driving like an idiot who confuses suburban streets as the racetracks on Nascar, puts the icing on the cake. Squealing your tires and putting the pedal to the metal right after you stop at a stop sign does not prove anything except that you will probably get into a car accident or lose your license sometime in your life. So, can you all please stop pimping out your minivans and other vehicles that are starting to fall apart, because seriously, I'm getting sick of looking at them.

I Suppose I'll Be Irish For You

Did somebody steal me lucky charms? Now picture an old guy saying that in an Irish accent and that's how a few of my customers talk to me at work. They think that because I sort of look Irish and my name is VERY Irish, well then golly gee! I must be Irish! HA! Nope, I don't even have an ounce of the Irish in me. I told these oldies from the start that I'm not Irish, but you know how oldies are sometimes. They can't remember anything. One guy even sings me an Irish song every time he sees me. He actually gets up out of the electric cart, put his hands on my counter, and wants me to hold hands with him. Yeah, it's kinda cute. Except for the fact that I almost have a phobia of touching things with my bare hands. Even people. It grosses me out. But, what am I supposed to say to a 90 year old man? I can't be mean to him, and it's not that I even want to be. Oh well. I get a kick out of these old men, no matter how much they can creep me out sometimes. So if it makes them happy thinking I'm Irish, well I guess that's ok with me.

The Girl With No Boobs

Most of the time, I like the fact that my boobs are small. They don't bounce up and down and I can even get away with not wearing a bra at all. However, I wish they were a tad bigger when it comes to shirts and dresses. Every time I try on a dress, it is ALWAYS big in the boob area. Do designers just assume that everyone has fake boobs these days? I cannot be the only one with a smaller chest. I have to pin some of my shirts in the back to make them look how they are supposed to. I don't want to walk around in a tank top that is baggy in the chest area. I'm guessing that's not an attractive style trend. I'm rather annoyed today because I picked up my bridesmaid dress for my friends wedding that I'm in in a couple of weeks. I call this the "business in the front, party in the back" dress. I would just call it the mullet dress, but the thing is damn sexy and calling it a mullet makes it seem fugly. Anyways, the thing is hot, fits me perfectly, EXCEPT in the chest area. What a frickin surprise. I don't want to spend a ton of money getting the thing altered so I'm going to go get heavily padded, stick-on inserts for it. So, for that day, I will look a bit bustier than normal. I'm so used to being the girl with no boobs that it will feel strange to actually fill out the chest area in a dress. Now onto the cleavage situation...hmm...

Since when are Buffalo and Bison the same animal?

If they think kids say the darnedest things, then my fiance must be a kid at heart. We were at a restaurant the other night when both he and his sister ordered burgers. He got beef and she got buffalo. He then asks if buffalo is on the endangered species list. We all looked at each other and were like, he didn’t just say that did he? I of course laughed and said that I didn’t think it would be on the menu if it was an endangered species. Then he says that maybe it’s bison that’s on the list then. This kid needs to get an animal encyclopedia or something. I say to him that buffalo and bison are the same damn thing. Gosh, he makes me chuckle.

I Just Need To Hang On

When driving on steep, winding roads through the mountains, I will always be hanging on for dear life. My palms will be sweaty, my knuckles will be white, and I will be taking slow, deep breaths. I advise you to just ignore me, no matter how ridiculous and dramatic I seem to be. I do not like looking down and seeing no guard rails on the side on the road, just a steep slope to my death. You don’t need to tell me that I can stop hanging on even when we are at a place in the road that is flat on both sides. We are still at over 10,000 feet, so yes, I still need to hang on. It’s comforting. No matter how good of a driver you are or how safe you tell me it is, it will not change my mind. It’s not like my life will be saved by hanging on if the car does go rolling down the mountainside, because obviously I will be dead anyways. But, still. I would like to think in the event of that situation that there maybe some chance of survival due to my hanging on as tight as possible. I can dream can't I?

...The Twilight Obsession Continues...

Here’s another addition to my fiance’s Twilight obsession. I was typing in a website when kristenstewart.com came up on the history. He just told me that he googled the movie to see all the different sites that would come up because he was bored. I’m still waiting for robertpattinson.com to show up on the history. ;) Then on the way to Estes Park we passed a road called Twilight street. He asked if I wanted to stop and take a picture of it. I was like, no thanks, but I think he just wanted to go stand by the pole and make love to the damn thing just because it said Twilight on it. Then last night I came downstairs and he was watching a Disney Channel movie. I’m like, what the hell are you watching? He’s like, look! It’s the girl from Twilight. I looked, and it was a very young Kristen Stewart. I’m like yeah so what, why are you watching it? He said he was bored and there was nothing else on, but I’m starting to think he’s a creeper.

I Got High Today

I guess the phrase “I got high today” isn’t as funny to others as it is to me. I’m a sarcastic person, so I just couldn’t resist posting it as my facebook status. The statement was true though. I did get high. Some people just took it in a different way than how I meant it. Obviously, that’s what I wanted though because I love to get reactions out of people, whether good or bad. I don’t think one of my best friends thought it was as hilarious as I thought. Actually, I don’t even think she thought of it in any other way than me taking drugs. She made a comment saying I better clarify what I mean because I might start losing friends. You know what, if someone wants to not be my friend because of a frickin facebook status update, then go ahead and de-friend me. You obviously don’t really know who I am as a person anyways so it won’t be any loss to me. Then someone had commented on my post saying maybe I went on a 14’er. Then she made a post just saying the number 18. I asked her the next day is she knew what a 14’er meant and she said she was just being sarcastic about the 18. But, I think she just didn’t want to feel dumb. I don’t blame her though, she’s not a mountain person, I just get a kick out her clueless reactions. :P

Is a Picture Worth a Heart Attack?

Note to self: when up in the mountains at over 12,000 ft it is not a good idea to speed walk up an inclined hiking trail the second you hop out of the car. We got half way up the trail when my heart started to pound so hard, I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack. I just stopped, and was like OMG, I can venture no further. But, there was this cool rock formation just ahead that I wanted to take a picture of damn it! So, I grabbed my fiance’s arm and slowly started to make my way to the top. I felt like I was running a frickin marathon. Why do I think these things are enjoyable? Because I am crazy and not normal and I obviously think a picture is worth a near heart attack.

My Active Bladder

Does being in a higher altitude make one's bladder more active? I want you to ponder this question for the next few minutes while I tell you why I'm curious. In the first few days of being in Denver, my fiance and I have been peeing so much, it's borderline ridiculous. I have been getting up more than two times during the night just to pee. This is a rare occurrence, I don't get up for anything at night. I feel like Austin Powers just coming out of the frozen state and all the piss that has been stored for like 30 years was coming out all at once. I mean, seriously, if it wasn't happening to my fiance too, I would have had to seek medical attention. Ok, so that's a dramatic statement, but I know how much I have to pee in a day, and that was way over my legal limit.

I'd Be Better Off Dead

The guy on Man vs. Wild is f***ing insane. I know he's trying to teach us how to survive in certain situations, but really, let's be honest. How many people that actually tune in to that show will ever put themselves in such extreme situations? For instance, will I ever be traveling in the middle of the desert alone? Highly unlikely. If I get hungry while out in the desert, will I come across a dead camel and proceed to skin the poor thing just to use it as a blanket for myself? I think not. Will I then start to cut away at it's stomach just to take out the grass that had yet to be digested and wring the water out of it so it drips into my mouth? Umm, no thanks. Then, would I think to hollow out the camel so I can crawl inside of it and shelter myself from a sand storm? Let the sand just kill me then, seriously. Mr. Man vs. Wild, I would let the Wild win because all that is just f***ing disgusting. If I'm that desperate to survive, I'd be better of dead anyways.

I'm a Lesbian?

I think some people think I’m a lesbian. I can’t help that most of my life I’ve been around guys and after awhile just started checking out girls along with them. It’s more fun to just go along with the guys and critique the girls than just sit there and pretend you think they are pigs. You know you are checking out the girls too, you just don’t want to admit it. There’s nothing wrong with a girl saying another girl is attractive. If I then started to describe what I wanted to do to, or with, said girl, then you have every right to start questioning my sexuality. I’m not one of those girls who gets pissed off when I catch my man eyeing out another chick either. If I see a hot girl, I will tell him. Just because you are with someone doesn’t mean you have magically gone blind. And if you’re a male and you say you don’t check out other guys, you are a liar. Everyone checks out everyone, just no one wants to admit it. Well, I’m admitting to it and I’m not ashamed. You can even ask my friend Jenny about it because I tell her she’s hot all the time, and she doesn’t get creeped out by it. At least I hope not. ;)

Shit My Dad Says...

Since I aim to get a laugh out of you almost everyday, I highly suggest you follow this person on twitter. Seriously, just do it.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Yes, I Just De-friended You

I de-friended you and you're just going to have to get over it. I'm sick of people requesting to be my friend on facebook for either one of the two following reasons: 1) To try and get as many friends as possible. 2) To spy on me. What I even hate more is those cliquey people in high school that wouldn't give you the time of day back then, all of a sudden think it's a good idea to become facebook friends now. I always laugh when I get such requests. I'm like you were a dick in high school and you still hang out with all the same dicks, so I've come to the conclusion that you are probably still a dick. Therefore, you do not deserve my friendship. I also hate when you accept someone's friend request and they don't say a damn thing to you, EVER. So, today I went through my friend list and got rid of about 15 people. So, if you didn't make the cut it's your own damn fault. If you could care less to acknowledge my presence, then I will do even more to un-acknowledge yours. So, POOF! You have vanished and don't even attempt to send me another request, it will make you look like a pathetic stalker.

You Are a Bitch

I swear, if I turn on the T.V. one more time and hear Kate Gosselin whining about Jon Gosselin, I'm going to literally reach through the T.V. and bitch slap her. You know what Kate? You are a bitch, and that's why Jon left you. You're lucky he even stayed as long as he did. You are mean and controlling, which are not attractive qualities for someone to want to be around. I do not, in any way, feel bad for you. You have used you your kids for fortune and fame and it has already led to your divorce, yet you don't want to stop the show. What do you think is going to happen next? How do you think this whole masquerade is going to affect your kids? And Jon has every right to go out and have fun when it's not his turn with the kids. Don't complain that you are raising the kids by yourself, because you always have people around you helping you out. You need to learn that just because you are the woman in the relationship, does not mean you are the victim. Stop selling your sob story to every network because I'm sick of looking at you wiping the fake tears off your face.

You Deserve a Cookie, Or a Slap in the Face

The signs are pretty obvious when you should just leave me alone. When I'm irritable, crabby, and you just saw me take a couple of midol, that should be a clear indication that now would be one of those times. But, for some reason, you think that my mood is hilarious during this time of the month. Glad to know my bitchiness is humorous to you, I'll be sure to remember that in the future. You get a kick out of teasing me because you find my reactions cute. Well, I think you are f***ing crazy. How can a pms-ing woman who literally wants to yell at everyone because the whole world is annoying her, be cute? I don't think I'm funny or cute during this time and if I had the choice I would choose not to be around myself at all, and spare my own self from my bitchy attitude. So you, my lovely, but f***ing insane fiance, deserve a cookie for your kindness, or a slap in the face. You decide. :P

Just Call Me the Bird Killer

I killed something today. Yep. I'm a murderer. I was driving to work, merging on the freeway, when I saw two birds flying straight in the path of my car. C'mon you dumb birds, you need to fly a tad higher, c'mon I know you can do it! The first one just made it past my car, but the second moron bird swept down even lower and THUMP! OMG. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the bird fall to the ground and start to have seizures (at least that's what it looked like). I can't believe I killed a freakin cardinal. A part of me thinks he got what he deserved, flying so damn low in the path of traffic. Do, they not have eyes to see where they are flying? Geesh. I usually don't even like killing an insignificant ant let alone a pretty (dumb?) bird. It ruined my whole day because the words "bird killer" kept flashing in my mind. The good news is that there were no feathers in the front of my car and there were no remnants of the bird on the road when I drove past the scene the next day. So, maybe it survived after all?

Twilight Addicts Anonymous?

You know your fiance has to attend a Twilight Addicts Anonymous meeting when he is reading the unpublished version of the next installment on his iphone. This is also the same guy who chose reading that series over playing video games. And he loves video games more than a fat person in a buffet. I think he is ill. He finished all 4 books in less than 2 weeks. Then his sister told him the author was rewriting the series, but from a different perspective. I could see his eyes light up with excitement like a giddy little girl. The first thing he did when we got home was research this hopefully true rumor. He found out that the first book got leaked on the internet somehow so the author just decided to put the first 300 pages on her website. So he is reading the thing on his tiny little iphone. I mean seriously, reading a book on a little electronic, how annoying would that be? I guess worse things could happen right? Like if he starts saying the name Edward Cullen in his sleep, then we might start having some issues.

Teaspoon of Sleepiness

When I past the point of exhaustion I get full of laughter and dizziness with a teaspoon of sleepiness. Do you ever get so exhausted where you actually feel like you are drunk? I can feel it in my head and in my eyes that I need to sleep, yet I find it most amusing to stay awake. Last night I found that it's more fun to watch That 70's Show when you are in this sleep deprived state. The episode was about the four guys being all stoned and wigging out that the FBI might be after them. They thought that a vacuum cleaner was a spy probe to listen to their every move. I don't know why I thought it was extra hilarious, but it was. I was laughing to myself out loud in an almost forced and annoying way. Everything just seems more funny when you feel drunk. If I would have watched it any longer, I would have probably ended up dying of laughter that resulted in an asthma attack! If being sleepy gives me the same effects of feeling a buzz, then hey, it gives me another reason to stay sober most of the time. At least at this so-called drunken state you don't have the ill affects of a hangover.

Peace, love, & I’m going to f***ing kill you?!

Why can't we just get along? Peace and love people! AHHHH! Who is shooting me? That mother f***er! Then I stand in one place and shoot my gun all around me like a f***ing maniac! Diiiiieeee people!!! Wait, what the hell is wrong with me? This was the first time playing Call of Duty or COD, as the nerdy gamers say. I usually hate video games that involve guns and/or killing things. I'm a lover, not a fighter! But, apparently I get a little feisty and competitive while playing these sorts of games. The controls are just ridiculous though. One knob is to walk, the other is to look around, and another is to shoot. Way to confusing for me. I couldn’t even seek out a person to shoot. They literally had to be right in front of me or shooting at me in order for me to notice them. The developers need to make a dumbass mode or something for when people like me, who have no concept of the controls, are forced into playing. I do think that the controls for this game are easier than the ones for Halo, but I’ve only played that a few times in some moments of weakness. I think I will continue to opt out of playing such violent games in the future, I don’t want my tourettes like competitiveness to get the best of me! Peace, love, and I’m going to f***ing kill you, don’t belong in the same sentence!

Did I Say Mini Burger?

I was feeling a tad lazy last night so I asked my fiance to bring home dinner. I told him that I was tired and starving and to just surprise me with something. He finally decided on Wendy's and I said just get me a cheeseburger. He gets home and hands me the tiniest burger I have ever seen. It was a Jr. Cheeseburger. Did I say get me a mini burger? Did I not mention that I was frickin starving? He told the guy at the window that he wanted a cheeseburger and I guess he didn't think it was necessary to explain exactly what kind he wanted. I opened the burger from it's wrapper and started laughing. The bun was 100 times bigger than the patty that was inside. The thing was as thin as a piece of deli sliced ham. What adult could eat that and be full? I look over at the burger my fiance got and it was as big as a shortstack of pancakes. I should have taken a picture of the two side by side. Not only was my burger as thin as a piece of paper, it was barely holding the shape of a patty. I turned the thing over and it was barely holding together by the cheese. Its like there were chunks of the burger patty missing and they filled it in with cheese. It reminded me of the one and only time I had a burger at Whitecastle. Ick. This Wendy Jr. burger, or whatever the hell it is, should be called a slider too because that's the only way I could make the damn thing go down my throat without hurling at the very sight of the thing.

Rain, Sirens, and Trains OH MY!!!

Rain, sirens, and trains are a real pain in the ass when you are trying to sleep in. I was all comfy in my bed this morning, when I heard it start to pour outside. Since our bedroom is on the 3rd level and faces west, you can hear every damn drop hit the window. But, as I always try to do when it rains, I tune it out and fall back asleep. Then, which seems to be only minutes later, but was probably way longer, I heard sirens. There must have been a crash on the highway, which is viewable from our house, because there were so many sirens. I was just getting slightly annoyed at this point. All I wanted was to sleep in a little bit longer people! Come on! After about a half an hour they finally went off and I fell back asleep. I swear only minutes later I started to hear banging. The same rhythm over and over and over again. O.M.F.G! Tell me they are not working on the railroad tracks again! The railroad is literally right in front of our house! They seem to constantly be working at that freakin thing. Arg. I was so frustrated that I finally gave up on trying to sleep in and just got up. I'm making a mental note to never buy a house that faces west, is near a highway, or is right by active railroad tracks. Is that too much to ask?

The Ugly Stick

It's hard to tell if someone got hit with the ugly stick when you are not wearing your glasses. We girls at work are always on the lookout for an attractive guy. It doesn't happen often because most of our cliental are senior citizens, so when an attractive guy does walk through that door, it's a special occasion. Well, I was going about my work when I saw a potential hottie checking out my case. I just starred at him a little bit because I didn't have my glasses on, and I wanted a better look. Then he looked like he needed some help so I quickly started walking towards him. As I got closer I found myself starting to slightly chuckle. This guy definitely got struck with the ugly stick. What was I thinking? I seriously thought this guy was good looking from far away. How can not wearing my glasses distort this man's image so much? I'm not blind when I don't wear them, things just tend to get a little blurry from afar. Well, maybe people should start looking at this guy through those drunk goggles because the blurriness seems to make the ugly stick disappear. Or maybe I should just start wearing my glasses. Hmm...

Don't make me crabby

I would love to crawl into the seafood case and get my arm and hand scratched up and bloody just so you can get the damn snow crab cluster that you want. They all look the same, yet you insist on having that one. Not only is it in the very front of the display at the bottom, but in order to even reach it, I have to take about half the display out just to get to it. After I hand the bag with the 2 clusters that you picked out, you nicely say sorry for making it difficult to get to the crab. I say oh it's not a problem. But, it is a problem! It's not like snow crab is a soft, cuddly animal. The legs and claws are very sharp, and I get cuts almost every time that I handle them. Oh, and I doubt you really were sorry because you walked away with exactly what you wanted and I walked away with more cuts on my hands. If some customers could only know what I think about them while I'm helping them with a forced smile on my face. I guess crab handling just makes me crabby.

I wish I had no sense of smell...

My house smells like the combination of vomit, old milk, and body odor. Not because any of those things are apparent in the house, but the combination of those smells seem to resemble the almost un-human food my roommate eats. Can he seriously make normal food that doesn't stink up the whole f***in house! I mean come on. As I'm writing this my shirt is up over my goddamn mouth and nose because the smell is making my stomach turn and saliva is getting built up in my mouth as an indication that I may hurl soon. The worst thing is that the smell lingers for hours. My fiance will come home from work and ask what the nasty ass smell is. Then he'll say oh wait, it's something he made isn't it. Our roommate refuses to use anything but the microwave. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. I'm not sure he even knows how to cook any other way. But, how can you eat food that smells, literally, like ass? Does the way that the food smells help determine how it tastes to you as well? Imagine what his breathe smells like after eating that shit.

Meat Musical?

I can't help but walk through the back rooms of the meat department and burst out into song and dance like I'm in some freaky meat musical. In fact, all 4 us in the meat department are guilty of it. When a song like "Love Shack," "Bye, Bye, Bye," or "Stayin' Alive" comes on how can you not dance and sing to it? You just gotta bang on an imaginary door, wave a fist in the air, or strike a disco pose, all while bursting out the lyrics in the loudest, most ear-shattering way. I realized today if you were to look at the security camera footage from my work you would be mesmerized for hours watching us all make fools of ourselves. Imagine us in our baseball hats and butcher coats full of blood singing at the top of our lungs and trying to bust out some dance moves. That footage, I'm sure, would make one creepy musical! Hell, I'd pay to see it though.

I live with a Sasquatch...

My roommate comes out of his room with his hairy bare chest with just a dainty little vest over it. I wanted to barf. Or die. I was sitting on the couch which directly faces the door to his room, so I couldn't just pretend that I didn't see him! He was standing there looking at me and started to have a conversation. I tried as hard as I could to ignore him because there was no way I could look at him for a long period of time. I might have gone blind. He is the most hairy person I have ever seen in my life. Picture the amount of hair that a sasquatch has and it nearly resembles my roommate. He even has a back full of hair. I'm not talking about a few strands. I mean thick, 2 inches long hair all over. Imagine running your fingers through that shit. *Cringe*

My Underwear Problem

I kept picking the underwear out of my butt all day at work yesterday. Do any of you girls have underwear that you just shouldn't be wearing to work? Well, I knew that it would be creepin' up my butt all day, yet I still wore them. Why? Because they are cute. They are the boy short kind, making your butt look all cheeky. I probably shouldn't even be wearing those kind. They don't call me Shaniqua for nothing. It's pretty ridiculous. Anyways, at work I'm constantly on my feet, walking around all day, which makes the matter worse. It's not like I can keep my butt from moving just so my underwear stays in place! I just hope no one saw me. I have people literally up in my grill all day long, I'm surprised I could even sneak the motion in at all.