Stop Starring At Me!

When someone is starring at you, don’t you want to just flat out ask them why? I was at dinner the other day with my family and our server would just stare at me while at the table. It happened so much that my sister asked me if I knew him. No, I did not know him, I have never seen him before in my life! Times like these I wish I was a mind reader. Did he think I was funny looking? Did I have something in my teeth? My fiance was sitting right next to me so I hope he wasn’t starring at me to get my number, but it kinda seemed that way. If that is true, pretty bold to try that move on an almost married woman wouldn’t you say? If you couldn't tell I was with my fiance with my ring on my finger and our PDA then you need to get your eyes checked. And since your making appointments you might as well get your brain checked out too, you dumbass. Remember that a few looks are flattering, but doing it consistently and you are just becoming a creeper. So, please waiter guy, stop fucking starring at me. If you have something you want to say, say it already, or keep your eyes to yourself!

Would You Like Some Pie With Your Cool Whip?

Give me a container of cool whip and a spoon and I will eat the whole thing. Hell, you can give the container without the spoon and I’d still eat the whole thing with just my finger. I freakin love cool whip. Thanksgiving happens to be prime cool whip season, which makes me love the holiday even more. I will take a piece of pumpkin pie and put at least 3 big scoops of cool whip on it. My fiance always asks me if I would like some pie with my cool whip. I often respond with a “yes”, but only a wee-bit. God forbid the pie was to mask the flavor of the cool whip. I would not let that happen!
*Side note: While typing this post I kept writing “piss” instead of pie. So try re-reading it with the word “piss”. You’ll get an extra laugh...or two.

LAME-O

This was the most boring season of Dancing With the Stars I have ever seen. Seriously, Donny Osmond was the fucking winner? What kind of shit is that? I can’t even begin to tell you how much he bugs me. The only reason I kinda was like “yay” was for Kym. She has been on the show so long and she deserved a win on her roster. Most of the “stars” were so fucking annoying I wanted to punch them right through the screen. Especially that Joanna chic. OMFG. She might be the most annoying person in the whole entire world. And the pros didn’t really have great choreography this year. Every year I always remember some performances because they were just outstanding. I give them a FAIL on that this year. Too bad Julianne won’t be back for awhile, if ever. She actually brought excitement to the show. Oh well, I give the whole season a big LAME-O.

Go For It Adam Lambert

If Adam Lambert feels like kissing a guy during a performance, then I say go for it. If he also wants to do some hip thrusting, I say go for that too. I’m so sick of people judging someone based on their sexual preference. And if you say it has nothing to do with the fact that he is gay, you just didn’t think that it was an appropriate performance, then I say you’re a liar. There’s more sex and gay relations going on in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy than there was in that performance. If girl on girl action happened instead, the only reaction would be high fives. I’m not going to say that I didn’t say “whoa” during his performance about 5 times, because I did. But, only for the plain fact that I was shocked he had the courage to do those things. I commend him for being true to himself and his art form, and he shouldn’t have to apologize to anyone for that.

My Turkey Toned Arms

I get pretty buff during the holidays. Those 20 lb turkeys sure do a number on my arms. I get to go to work and get toned arms at the same time. It’s like they are paying me to work out. Sure it’s not the conventional weight lifting system, but weight is weight whether it’s a turkey or dumbbell. Maybe I should make a workout dvd. If my method works for me, maybe it will work for others. Who wouldn’t want to watch a workout dvd that also features food? Food is appealing and eye catching. I will call it My Turkey Toned Arms. Yeah, that sounds good. And the plus side of lifting turkeys over dumbbells is that you can eat it after you work out with it. And turkey is good for you, so it’s a win-win situation! I predict I have a best seller on my hands...

Muffin Top

If you have a muffin top I demand that you stop wearing low rise jeans. For one thing no one wants to see your fat hanging out on either side of the jeans. I don't care that you are fat, just wear more appealing pants. Low rise jeans accentuate your muffin top. For another thing, I really don't want to see your crack. Wear some goddamn pants that fit. I don't care if they had a sale at Wet Seal. Just because they are $15 doesn't mean you should get them. You’re basically paying $15 for people to see a show of your crack. That's the kind of thing other people should be paying you for. So, please for the sake of the world's eyes go out and get some normal fucking jeans. Trust me, you will be amazed on how much better and skinner you will look.

Not Down With the Cool Kids

I never thought that being 24 would really constitute as being old until I walked into the theater for the midnight showing of New Moon. It looked like a middle school cafeteria up in there. Not only were the youngins starring at us for our age, but we also adorned Twilight t-shirts. We might has well drawn a L on our foreheads for god's sake. We thought kids these days still made t-shirts for this kind of thing, but apparently not. We were so not down with the cool kids. It's like we had one of those moments when your parents are trying to do something they think is cool, but you get so embarrassed because they look like fucking morons. Yeah except we were like the parents this time. At least we could be less conspicuous and sit in the back of the theater. God forbid we were to draw anymore attention to us. Needless to say we will not be attending anymore midnight showings of this most appealing saga.

Men Are Jackasses

After people watching and eavesdropping while I was at the bars last week, I’ve noticed that most men are jackasses. So, I have compiled a list of things for men NOT to do while on a date.
-No howling like a wolf if you think a woman is hot. You are neither a fucking werewolf nor apart of the Twilight saga. Get over it.
-When telling a girl her best qualities, the first thing you shouldn’t say is that she has nice tits. And you should definitely not add that that’s the first thing you noticed about her.
-Unless you are talking to a hooker, do not tell a girl you want to throw her around like a rag doll. And if you get to the point of throwing her around like a rag doll, do not proceed to say "we have to cut this short."
-Don’t beat yourself up all night for not holding the door open for us. We could really fucking care less. And don’t tell us about this the day after because if that’s all you can remember about the night then you have some weird fucking issues. You should probably see a therapist. Just saying.
-Don’t buy a shot that tastes like cough syrup unless you want it to be spit out all over you. And if you can honestly say that tastes good then at some point in your life you probably did drugs. You were probably one those kids who downed a whole bottle of cough syrup to get a little high. And drinking this nasty shot brings you back to the good ole days. And again, we go back to the therapist issue.
-Do not pick us up on the sidewalk to make yourself look manly. Just because you can, does not mean that you should. Because you shouldn’t. You embarrass us and yourself at the same time. You do not get a cookie for that.
-Do not tell us that something tastes like shit after you just offered us some of it. So you want us to taste your shitty meal? Well, how fucking kind of you. Jackass.
-Do not paint a picture of what life could be like for the two of you in the future, you’re on a fucking date, it’s not like you just proposed for god’s sake. If you are saying lines like that, you are probably a douche bag and my eight ball predicts that she won’t want to be with you in the future anyways.

Bombard Us

(I would like to thank Jenny for being a contributor to the following post.) Women just want to be pampered and have a little romance in their lives. If any men are reading this and they feel like they are stuck in a rut with their woman, keep reading and you will find out (in detail) EXACTLY what you need to do. When we get home, or walk into the room, you need to come right to us, grab us, and start kissing us. (And all before we even have a chance to put our purse and keys down.) Then we want you to put us up against the wall and make us feel like you have never wanted us more as much as you do in that moment. That’s really all it takes to get back into the groove. I know it seems like a movie clip, but women want to feel like they are in a movie. So, do it. Just because you’ve been with a girl forever, doesn’t mean you’re too good to just make out anymore. Girls like kissing, get used to it. The moral of this story is that you basically need to bombard us. Just remember one thing though, don’t overdue it because we will eventually get annoyed and you will be back in your rut again.

My Liver Hates Me

It may not be a wise idea to make a pre New Year’s, New Year’s resolution. (Try saying that 10 times fast.) I’m just saying it could be a bad idea. In my case, my liver hates me. My friend Jenny and I, for some reason, decided it would be a good idea to go out more and get out of our comfort zones. I guess that also means drinking. I have had alcohol 3 days this past week. If this is going to be a trend in my new found personality, you may need to enlist me in AA. 3 days may not seem like a lot for most of you, but for me, that’s more days of drinking than I do for one whole year. Not to mention the amount of money that my liver seems to be filtering out. I think we need to add a clause to this pre New Year’s, New Year’s resolution: Only drink when someone buys it for us. Sound good Jenny?

A Black & White Little People Western

I'm one of those people who has to sleep with the TV on. My fiance hates it. So, to make it so the screen isn't as bright he puts it on the A & E channel. During the nighttime hours they play old black and white movies, so it totally helps the brightness issue, but we also turn the sound down all the way, so I just end up having to guess what the characters are saying. Well, I happen to be the world's lightest sleeper so I wake up at least 5 times a night and sometimes I can't fall back asleep right away, so I will unfortunately move my eyes towards the TV. Have you ever had the privilege of watching those movies? I mean, they are on at like 3 am, so you probably haven't, but they sure do put some shit on there. One time I woke up to a black and white little people western. What a fucking combination huh? Like the whole plot wasn't interesting enough by itself, but I got to make up my own dialogue too. While creepishly laughing on the inside, I tried lip reading the movie for about a half an hour before falling asleep again. I have to say, as shitty as some of those nighttime movies are, I give this one props for keeping my attention for more than a few minutes. Who wouldn't be intrigued by a little people western?

You Disgust Me

Who would tell their daughter she has a fine booty like Alicia Keys? Especially when your daughter is in the 8th grade? I'd slap the goddamn bastard. This guy also tells me he thinks his daughter may have an eating disorder because she says she's fat and needs to be on a diet. Well, I wonder how that got put in her head? Parental figures need to realize that what they say to their children and how they react to situations can highly contribute to their child's behavior. And in this case, her self esteem. I think he wins the biggest creeper father award. I shouldn't be surprised about anything he tells me, because this is also the guy that comes into the store and moves his pecs up and down for me. While is 10 year old son is standing right there. Is that fucking appropriate sir? I think not. You disgust me. The sad thing is that this guy is also a firefighter. I sure wouldn't want to depend on a guy like that to save my life.

It's All Khloe's Fault...

You know you are ridiculous when you stay awake to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians wedding special. I needed to go to bed since it was 12:30 am, and I needed to be up at 5:30. But, no. For some reason I was intrigued to stay up and watch the dramatic wedding celebration of Khloe. And I stayed up for the whole damn thing. What a waste of 2 hours. After finishing watching it I was like "there's 2 hours of sleep I could have got, but now never won't." What a dumbass. The worst thing about the whole show was that it literally brought tears to my eyes. I must have been fucking tired to be crying over the wedding of fucking Khloe Kardashian. This worries me because I am not a girlie girl, and I don't cry over much of anything. So if her wedding can bring tears to my eyes, what the hell is it going to do to me at my own wedding? Oh well, at least I've known my fiance for almost 9 years unlike the one whole month she knew Lamar. Who does that? My magic 8 ball says that "signs point to yes" on them getting a divorce in the near future...

I’m Too Nice To Hit Someone

I’ve always wanted to take a martial arts class. Yesterday I was highly considering it, until I realized it was only a good idea in theory. I want to get into better shape and that would be the perfect outlet for it, plus it would get me out of the house more. But, this particular martial arts program is pretty hardcore. Getting the shit beat out of me does not sound appealing at the moment. I also think I’m too happy and nice to beat/hit someone. The only reason I know about this place is because one of my friends is a member. He was trying to sell me the benefits of joining but it’s no walk in the park. He always has bruises and black eyes and his body is always sore. Umm, I say no way to getting a black eye. You can hit me anywhere but the face and the stomach...well maybe. Plus, you could just brush my arm with the slightest touch of hand, and I’d probably get a bruise from it. That’s how easy I bruise! So I’m thinking it’s not one of my brightest ideas, and I’ll have to put it on the back burner...for now at least.

The Unglamorous Life

I am living the most unglamorous life of a 24 year old woman. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and think "omg, where in the hell has my life gone?" I have the constant stench of fish on my hands and arms, I have blood spots on my pants (get that thought out of your mind, it's not from my period you sick bastards), and I walk around with various chunks of meat on my shoes. Wow. What a life. How did a girl like me get caught up in the meat department business? I remember when I started in the meat department when I was 19. The only reason I agreed to the promotion was for the money. I sure got a slap in the face when I found out what the job really entailed. Touching meat grosses me out. That's not a good thing for a meat department worker. Till this day it still gives me the heebie jeebies. I give props to myself for putting up with it as long as I have. Well, I'm off to take a shower, I smell like a fucking aquarium.

Keith Urban is a Woman

I have yet to see a picture of Keith Urban where he does not look like a woman. My friends are in love with him and think he's the hottest man alive. What the hell. Seriously, it looks like a blind person cut his hair. You would think that he would be able to afford at least a semi-decent stylist. I also think he has a womanly figure. I swear he has a little curve action going on there. And what is with the fancy jeans? I don't think guys are supposed to wear jeans with fancy stitching and embroidery on them. I know a few dudes in my real life who prefer that style. Just so you know it doesn't make you come off as a bad ass. You may think I feel this way because I despise country music, but regardless of any music genre, I would tell you if someone has the hot factor. Keith just doesn't do it for me. I am actually googling images of him as we speak to try and change the way that I feel about him. On one of his cd covers he actually looks like a freakin kangaroo. What a way to give a shout out to your hometown Keith! After going through 10 pages of images my final conclusion is that he was indeed born a woman and takes testosterone pills to grow that scruffy beard.

My 960 Calorie Consumption

I just consumed 960 calories. Do you think it was from a nice meal at Outback? Oh, how I wish. How about a Big Mac meal from McDonalds? Nope, that is definitely not it. I just had a 7 oz. bag of Tootsie Rolls. I swear to God Halloween season can fucking kiss my ass. There’s candy all around me and I don’t have the strength to say no to all of it’s deliciousness. I didn’t even realize that I kept eating them, it became so habitual I kept popping them in my mouth, one after the other. I finally snapped out of my candy hypnosis and decided to check the nutritional facts on the bag. It says that there are 6 servings per bag. Holy fucking cow. I’m going to gain back all the weight I have lost just by eating all this candy in the past few weeks. This madness has got to stop. First the candy corn took a hold of me and now these damn tootsies. Well, with the holiday season quickly approaching and my wedding dress having already been ordered, I need to snap out of this candy funk fast before it gets too outta control. I guess I better make some extra trips up and down my magical weight loss stairs. They seem to be doing wonders for me so far. ;)

My Knees Are Shaking

My knees are shaking and my body feels like it’s shutting down. I have H1N1 so I have to go home. Really? REALLY?! People actually buy that bull shit? Since when did “shaking knees” become a symptom of the swine flu? Although, I do think he had the flu, but it’s called the bottle flu, which this guy seems to be very acquainted with. I mean, this guy really is one of the best bull shitters I know. He deserves like an Academy Award for being a good bull shitter, but I don’t know how some people can believe some of the bs that comes out of his mouth! I’ve known him long enough to tune out most of it, but seriously, some people are just clueless and plain old dumb when it comes to thinking about the truth of things. And not even so much as the truth, but anything that can remotely be believable. When he came to work the next day I asked him how his fake H1N1 was. He said he never told people he was sick in the first place. So I guess everyone in the store just pulled that story out of their asses huh? Regardless, “shaking knees” will constitute as being the lamest excuse ever to leave work early. And I will forever make fun of him for it.

I’m Hacking Up A God Damn Lung

Note to self: Don’t tease your fiance about being a hypochondriac for a few weeks prior to him getting the swine flu. A few weeks back, he comes home from work freaking out that his coworker has a confirmed case of H1N1. The next day he says his stomach hurts and he thinks he has the swine flu. A few days later, he complains that he’s hot and he might have a fever. Which again leads him to say that he has the swine flu. I don’t buy any of it and just laugh at him. Day after day it became a joke between us. He would complain of some kind of symptom and we would laugh because he thinks he is sick. Then all of a sudden he got a sore throat and a cough. This just wasn’t any cough, it was a “I’m hacking up a god damn lung” cough. Over night he progressively got worse and I knew right then he actually had the flu. Boy, did I just feel like an ass. That’s proof right there when you constantly keep thinking you are sick (but you really aren‘t), you actually get sick. Poor thing. Next time I just won’t tease him as much. Maybe that will help. Although someone did tell me that maybe it was his karma for shooting me. I’ll have to ponder that one...jk

He Isn’t That Cute in Fake Life

Jenny and I thought it would be a good idea to introduce our bff, Erica, to the Twilight movie for our girls’ night. I knew it was going to be a rough task because while Erica and I were out shopping before Jenny got off work, I saw a shirt that said Team Jacob on it. I held it up to Erica and was like, “Omg! This is perfect for Jenny!” Erica was like, “What’s Team Jacob?” Uh oh. I don’t think she has the slightest clue to what this movie is about. Apparently she hasn’t heard the massive hype that has surrounded it. Not very far into the movie, she asked if something was wrong with the color of the picture because it looked very dark and gray. Jenny and I just looked at each other and laughed. Erica thought we needed to turn the brightness up. She also said the people look very pale and deathly. But, I think that’s the point. lol I kept looking over at her and she looked bored out of her mind. It was like the 20th time I had seen the movie so you think if anyone was to get bored, it would’ve been me. But, nope, didn’t happen. I was just as intrigued as the first time I saw it. The movie sadly came to an end and Jenny and I were still oogling over Rob Pattinson aka Edward Cullen. I said he isn’t that cute in real life and Erica chimed in that he isn’t that cute in fake life! To each his own right? Well, I would say we failed to turn Erica into a Twilight junkie. At least I have Jenny and my fiance to gush over it with. (Although they are WAY more obsessed with the whole thing than I am. ;)

I've Been Shot

My fiance shot me. Yep. I’m still in shock about it too. He said it wasn’t intentional but I think when you point a gun at someone and point the trigger right at them, I’d say that constitutes as being intentional. We were just chillin at a Halloween party and he was playing around with an airsoft gun. I guess he thought it would be funny to shoot me in the bare stomach from 3 feet away. It hurt like a bitch. The spot turned into a big, purple welt instantaneously. Great. I was only a freakin belly dancer for Halloween and he shot me in the god damn stomach. Well, doesn’t that welt just look fucking attractive next to my belly jewels. I was so mad, I wanted to just crush his nuts. It’s been a few days since the horrid event, and the welt is still there. If the thing leaves a scar, my fiance will never live this down. On the bright side of things, at least I can say I’ve been shot right?