I'm one big FAIL

Remember how I said I would never go to another midnight showing of Twlight ever again?! Umm yeah. Well, that didn’t quite work out like I planned because we totally went to see Eclipse at midnight last night. What makes it even more pathetic is that we did indeed wear our devoted fan t-shirts as well. To make this post more amusing I should have taken a picture of Jenny and me outside the theater, showing our beloved t-shirts, holding up a cardboard sign with FAIL spelled out in big letters. I sadly missed out on that opportunity though. :( We actually started our night at the hopping place, Applebee’s, to get our pre-party premiere action on. And since I like to make the most out of every situation, I wore my shirt loud and proud, unlike my shy friend, Jenny, who cheated and wore her non-conspicuous shirt and covered it up by her purse most of the time! Boo Jenny, BOO! Anyways, I heard a group of girls say as I walked past them, “She’s obviously a fan of Twilight!” Well, no shit Sherlock! But, I mean it’s not only because I am a fan, it’s because I like to see how people react to it. It gives me a little chuckle. I do have to say that although the movie pretty much sucked a big one, I would probably go see it again. What girl wouldn’t want to watch a movie with Taylor Lautner and his shirt off? I also have to sadly report, with my sincere apology, that I will in fact be attending all upcoming midnight showings of this most addictive series. I just can’t help it. And that’s why I admit that I am one big FAIL.

Just call me "Emo"

I find it extremely hilarious when I write a blog about someone or something, and people think, “hmm, this sounds an awful lot like me!” What tickles me even more is when they get all paranoid about it and go all emo on you. That is why I write in this thing people! I like to make people second guess their dumbass actions or at the very least, laugh hysterically at their moronic selves. If I can make a fool out of myself on here, then in my book, everyone else is fair game too. I may not want certain people to read this thing, but deep down inside I secretly hope that they become by number one fans. Thanks to the stupidity I like to call as the “Dallas and Lucy Escapades”, I have interestingly funny and true things to talk about. And if you get upset about the things that I write, I would like to offer you a tissue for your pathetic tears, along with a big slap in the face because you are taking yourself, as well as me, way too fucking seriously. You should be the one thanking me really. I mean I did point out almost all your flaws and now you have time to correct them, right? And I DO get a cookie for that. Go me!

My Wedding Rant

Only 47 days left until my life will return to normal! YES! I am getting married on August 14, and honestly, I just can’t wait for it to be here and gone. It is just so much work planning a wedding, and quite frankly, I’m over it. My whole life consists of nothing but wedding things these days, from invites to song lists, to the centerpieces at the reception. All I want is to be married and finally call myself Speckels. And really, that’s what counts. Weddings are highly overrated, and we should have just had a destination wedding after all. That way I could have had someone that worked for the resort do almost everything for me. Note to Jenny: Do a destination wedding please, you will thank me later. Anyways, don’t get me wrong, our wedding is going to be totally awesome, but it’s just way too much work for one person to plan and pay for. I’m more excited about our honeymoon to Maui than the actual wedding day. It’s like you get married to the love of your life and you get to spend almost no time at all with him on the day. What a crock of shit. Oh well, it will be here before I know it, and although it may not sound like it now, I will enjoy every moment of it. Just don’t call me Mrs. Peckels afterwards ‘cause that’s just fucking weird. K. Thanks.

I'm the Butch One

Is it weird that my best friend and I thought it would be funny if people thought we were a lesbian couple while we brought our nephew to the zoo? Well, it was just another typical day in the life of Shannon and Jenny. I am always trying new experiments out in public, usually dragging Jenny along with me. I like to get people’s reactions, because number one, I don’t care what people think of me and number two, it gives me an interesting plot for the next blog post. Anyways, Jenny looked all cute with her tank top, skirt, and hair all down and pretty, while I was wearing knee length board shorts, a plain old tank top, and my hair in a pony tail. Obviously, I’m the butch one in this scenario. She was the typical mom who carried our nephew throughout the whole place, while I was the dad with a backpack that had a Spiderman patch on it and a camera around my neck. Our nephew could totally pull of being Jenny’s kid, with their matching blonde hair and all. But, unfortunately, we didn’t get as many lesbian looks as I had hoped for. The only looks we got were looks of being too young to have a child of our own. Meh. Oh well. Maybe my next experiment will yield better lesbian results.

One Big Fruity Pebble

One gay tattoo on your wrist…$125
One voice transplant…$24,670
One guy that will remain single forever because there is no one in this world that is stupid enough to date him…PRICELESS

That Casey guy from the Bachelorette is one big fruity pebble. Who gets a tattoo for a girl he barely knows, and puts stars or dots or whatever the hell they are along with the tattoo to represent the guys that are still on the show?! Wow, maybe he should have just kissed each guy passionately instead, because at least that isn’t imprinted on your skin. Try telling the story of that tattoo to your future girlfriends, I mean boyfriends. Oh and let’s put it in one of the most conspicuous places ever, like right on your damn wrist. You must be one smart cookie dude and have fun trying to hide that one! And what the hell is wrong with your voice? Do you have a permanent cold? If I were you, I would get a voice transplant STAT!

My Previous Life

I was a doctor in a previous life. I wish the Montel Williams show was still on so I could go on a Wednesday show when Sylvia Brown is there. I need her to confirm my belief. I know a lot about medical things. I don’t why, because it’s not like I’ve studied any of it. I did want to be geneticist in high school though, but you pretty much have to give up your whole life for that field. Maybe I’m just smart or something, lol. Not only would she tell me I was a doctor in a previous life, but she would also tell me I once lived in China or Japan. If you were to walk into my house you would think someone Asian lived there. I love Asian things. I don’t really know why either. I just think it’s strange when you like things and don’t really know how it came about. I definitely don’t believe in the whole psychic thing, but I am curious as to what she would say. You know just for shits and giggles. If she were to tell me that I was some lady who lived in a shoe with 10 kids or something, I would know she’s full of it.

Jim hearts Sex and the City

Jim secretly likes the show Sex and the City. I just know it. I was watching a couple of episodes the other night and he was making a fit about it because he said he didn’t want to watch it. I told him it was my turn to watch whatever I wanted so he can just suffer for an hour. So he’s sitting on the couch with his iphone in hand when someone on the show said something funny about a penis. He looked up at the TV and got this look of delight on his face and smiled. I looked over and said, “you like this show, don’t you?” He gets all defensive and says, “no way!” But, from that point on he pretty much watched the rest of the episode with me. He still won’t admit that he likes it though. Why can’t men admit they like something despite what society thinks about them? If he admitted that he enjoys watching Sex and the City it’s not like he’s going to wake up with an eraser size penis the next day. I mean c’mon. And if I ever admitted that I liked something that’s a typical guy thing I’m not going to wake up the next morning with a Barry White voice. It’s ridiculous. So Jim, if you want to admit that you are intrigued with the show and would like me to buy you the seasons on DVD, just tell me already!

It’s always safer with a zipper…

I was 10 seconds and a bucket of sweat away from ripping my dress off. What a fucking nightmare. I got the thing on, so there’s got to be a way to get it off. My first attempt was to pull the dress up over my head and that failed miserably. Now let’s just try to bring it down past my ass. Haha. Nice try Shaniqua, but it’s not going to budge. Ok, now let’s get all contortionist-like. Umm. Well since I’m not very flexible that’s definitely a no go. I’m outta options here people. I started to panic a little and break out into a nervous sweat. I look into the mirror and my skin was all red from trying to maneuver the dress all around. Do I really have to get help here?! REALLY??!! I slapped myself in the face (well not really) and said, “Shannon, get yourself out of this dress NOW before you have to endure major public humiliation!” Ok this is it. The moment of truth. My last shot. In one semi swift movement I pulled the thing over my head, and omg, it came off! 15 minutes later I finally exited the dressing room. The real sad part of this story is that I went to 4 different Targets to try and find this dress in a bigger size with no such luck. I actually ended up with a different dress, and it has a side zipper. I think it’s safer that way.

Twas the night before Saturday

Twas the night before Saturday and all through the town, everyone was out on the street, even all the creepy clowns. The ice cream kept flowing at the Cup & Cone with low fare, in hopes that it would bring all the politician’s there. The moms and the pops all lined on the street, trying to keep the kids in line, is sure to be such a feat. With Jenny and her kiddie cone and I with ice cream on my shirt, this parade is sure boring, it’s like one big pile of…dirt. Just when I thought it got bad, I looked to my right, and just 5 ft over, I couldn’t believe my sight! To my niece and nephews I went, I skipped right on over, this parade miraculously got better, I felt as lucky as a four leaf clover! So we laughed and we giggled and had a good time, then our end of the parade came to a close, which with I was just fine. Our separate ways we scattered, then it was just Jenny and me, when we decided to walk to the front of the parade route, I don’t know, silly me. We walked and we gawked and got lots of looks, we wanted to join the parade route and dance, but didn’t want to look like a couple of schmooks. So back to the car we headed, filled with delight, the evening in good ole suburbia gave us one heck of a night!

Strippers & Drag Queens

I would like you to ponder the following equation:

What do you think dinner+2 glasses of wine+a bonfire+2 shots of peppermint Schnapps equals?

Ponder...

Ponder...

Keep pondering...

Well, fine I guess you want the damn answer don't ya?!

It equals an evening filled with major laughter as my fiancés grandparents share stories about strippers and drag queens. Seriously, I haven’t had that much fun in a long time. And if you think you have cooler grandparents than my fiancé, then think again my foolish friends! Think again!

I'm fucking pregnant, so it’s best that you leave.

I’m debating whether or not to tell our roommate that I’m fucking pregnant just so he gets out of the goddamn house already. I want to make it very clear to everyone that I am not in fact pregnant, nor do I intend on it anytime in the near future/decade, this is just a little plan I’ve got brewing in my head. Ok so, our roommate is 33 years old, has never lived on his own, complains he has no money but buys a new car and gadgets all the time, and he’s also Jim’s bff. What a pickle we are in. I only agreed to have him move in for ONE year and ONE year only so that we would have some extra money for the wedding. Well that year has come and passed and I told him he has to be out no later than August 1, because we are fucking getting married and we don’t want/need him here anymore. It’s a little over a month away and I don’t see him doing shit about it. Come July 1, I’m typing up a 1 month notice that he has to leave and if he doesn’t, I WILL pull the pregnancy card out. That should get rid of him REAL fucking fast. I hope.

Because I'm classy like that...

The following is an actual text I sent to someone the other day:
“I forgot to tell you earlier but I’m going to have to un-invite you to the wedding…for many reasons…one being the guest list is out of hand…and since we are no longer friends anymore it only makes sense that you are the first one to go. Oh and if it makes you feel any better, your buddies got the ax too. Sorry!”
Some of you may think that’s probably not the best route to take for a situation like this, but if you knew the guy, you would understand. In fact, I was keeping it classier than I wanted to. And just remember, don’t fuck with me because I can play the game better than you can imagine. Toodles!

I am the Shit.

I like to act like I’m the shit sometimes, especially when it comes to things involving music. Sunday night was my first time playing Green Day Rockband, and since I’ve become increasingly better at regular Rockband, I decided to sing and play the drums on Medium right off the bat. After a few songs I started getting real cocky and told Jim I bet I could get 100% on Expert. Because obviously I think I’m the shit. I was getting in the upper 90th percentile on both and my non-existent ADD was kicking in so I decided I would put my cocky words into action because dude, Medium was so fucking easy that I could have ripped away the guitar from Jim, played all 3 with my eyes closed, and still be amazing. So, I put the microphone away and put my focus to the drums, which I like to call my specialty. Instead of jumping right into Expert I thought I would ease into it with one song on Hard. Piece of fucking cake I thought. The song started and instantly on the screen it was like a bomb of notes exploded and debris was falling everywhere at 100 mph. O.M.F.G. I failed out within 20 seconds. If that was only on Hard then what the fuck does Expert look like? Well, I wasn’t about to find out since failing out pretty much killed the mood for the game for the rest of the evening. So much for being the shit.

I'm Back!

Hello everyone! After 6 months of being away I thought it was about time to start this thing back up again. Some of you are probably happy, others are probably like oh shit I hope she doesn't write about me. Well, if you act stupid or cause me to laugh chances are pretty high that you will end up here. If you don't like it I would like to say I'm sorry in advance along with a big FUCK YOU for being a dumb shit who doesn't like humor. ENJOY!