I'm On Team Finland

I’m so going to make a Team Finland shirt for the Olympics to support my favorite Finnish man, Mikko Koivu, and his quest for a medal! I get text alerts from the Minnesota Wild, and when breaking news happens, I am contacted right away. I was so proud of him for making the team! Not that I doubted he wouldn’t, because his moves are so, oh don’t get me even thinking about his moves. Sometimes I wish he was from the USA so he could play for us, but I like a foreign man with his sexy accent. I will anxiously be waiting for the middle of February so I can sit in front of the TV with my Team Finland shirt on. I should even put a picture of Mikko on it. In fact, I should have a party for this. Who wants to come over and watch my Mikko win the Gold medal? No one? What? You all think I’m crazy and obsessed? Nonsense! Nonsense I tell you!

Put Some Clothes On

I only need a few short sentences to get my point across for this one. Dear roommate, please stop walking around in your camo boxers. My fiance calls them shorts, but they are very, very short, therefore, they are boxers. I do not want to see your hairy legs. I’m also afraid that I might get a glimpse of something else one of these times, which I just might have to kick you out for. So, please put some clothes on. Thanks.

I Married Mikko Koivu!

I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is my fiance and I broke up. The good news is I broke up with him for Mikko Koivu. Mikko finally came to his senses after seeing me at numerous hockey games while borderline stalking him, and he decided to take a chance with me. Not only that but we also got engaged and then married all within a few hours. I am now Shannon Koivu. I like how that sounds. After a few days of happily wedded bliss, I attended one of my husband’s hockey games, where I ran into my ex-fiance. Uh oh. We took one look at each other though and started making out. While that was going down I thought I should take my wedding ring off and put it in my pocket. After a few minutes of cheating bliss, I went back to check on my husband Mikko and he took one look at me, then my wedding finger with no ring on it, and just shook his head. Well, I guess I just ruined my chances with this one. Good going Shannon! Then I woke up, and was like omg, I cannot believe I married Mikko Koivu! I started to tell my fiance about my dream and he just shook his head at me too. Oh how I love my dreams.

Dream Vacation?

I think I may need to re-examine my goals in life after watching the movie, “The Hangover”, because I have a strong urge to go to Vegas and experience it just like they did. Well, minus the drugs, tiger, Mike Tyson, and crazy Asian man. I mean I’m not opposed to those things happening, but I just think those things are bit out of reach for real life people. I even went as far as to asking people to go with me and searching for the cheapest flight and airfare. Plus, I got permission from my fiance because when I told him I wanted to go, he replied with, “have fun with that.” OH, I WILL! I WILL! Well, my dream vacation idea only lasted for a few weeks. Apparently I don’t have as many crazy, spontaneous friends as I’d like too. (and cue a Debbie Downer moment) Someday I will make this all happen...someday...

Canceling Christmas?

I really don’t care if there is a blizzard outside. There is no way I am canceling Christmas. No way. No how. I also don’t care if it takes me 5 hours to go 20 miles. I will be there. I don’t get many days off of work and hell, I'm going to enjoy it. Even if that means most of my day will be spent in the car going to the Christmas gatherings. I WILL enjoy it. We live in Minnesota people! It does snow here sometimes! Why do all of you forget how to drive when it snows! OMG! It’s a pretty simple concept actually. Drive like a sane, cautious person and you will arrive at your destination in one piece. I have a feeling this is going to be one long winter...

It's All a Blur

I swear to God people think they are going to starve in their houses when the forecast predicts even an inch of snow. They all come into the grocery store like a stampede of elephants. I’m pretty sure that most people could live at least a week, if not more, just on what they have in their cupboards. Now add the week of Christmas into the mix and you have one hell of a headache for retailers. Every holiday season for the past 10 years has been a blur to me. I always hope for a little sanity for Christmas, but we all know the shopping trend will never change. Christmas+snow+working in a grocery store=one hell of a grinch. Bahumbug. Once again.

Your One Stop Gift Card Shop

You know you are lazy and out of ideas when you buy all your Christmas gift cards at the local Cub Foods. That place is like your one stop, gift card shop. My company should invest in something like that. Maybe it would keep me out of our competitor’s store. Just saying. Well, anyways, you should have seen the cashier’s face when I walked up to the counter with 5 gift cards. Apparently, people don’t do that that often because she had to call the csr (customer service representative for you dumbasses out there) to ring the last one through because it exceeded the gift card limit. Hell, that one trip saved me time, gas money, and a potential car accident (it started snowing and people get alzheimer’s when such an event occurs). And because we all know how much you eat around the holidays as it is, nothing says Merry Christmas like a restaurant gift card.

Merry Christmas, keep on packing those pounds! Love, Shannon

My Friends Are Better Than Yours

Note to self: don’t wait until the last minute to find a particular Christmas gift for your fiance unless you happen to have awesome friends like I do. This year, all I wanted to get him was an authentic Minnesota Wild jersey. I have one for myself, and I really wanted him to have one too. I’m just nice like that. :P Last week I went to the hockey lodge store to scope things out and of course they were all out of the one I wanted. They told me they were getting another shipment in on Monday so yesterday I called them and just my luck, they were all out. Well, isn’t this just lovely. What the hell am I going to do now? I really don’t feel like running around the whole Twin Cities to find this thing. Arg. I told one of my friends my situation and later on that day I get a call from him while I’m still at work. He frickin found the jersey, tried it on himself to see if it would fit my fiance, and bought it for me! Be jealous of my awesome friends because seriously, they are probably more awesome than yours.

The Friend Business

I find it funny how two people can be so alike, but happen to dislike each other so much. If these two characters knew as much about each other as I know about the both of them, I swear they would have the potential to be bffs. I have told them that they are like frickin twins separated at birth. I just think they are afraid to admit how alike their personalities really are. Here are just a few of their similar qualities; same career goals, love to be the center of attention, love drama(although one won’t admit to it), hate authority, and both stubborn as hell. Maybe they just don’t get along because they have such dominant personalities that they can’t help but to clash with each other. Speaking of clashing, the more I’m thinking and writing about this, the more I think that maybe this whole friends thing is a very bad idea. If such a friendship ever occurred, I foresee them beating one another til the death. And since I’d be rooting for both teams, that’s not something I want to witness. But, I will always wonder what the potential could be for them in the friend business...maybe someday?

JenFunkyJen

I just have to share with you another person that I follow on Twitter. This girl is almost as funny as shitmydadsays plus she has like 10 hysterical new updates everyday. So, go follow her. Just do it.

http://twitter.com/jenfunkyjen

I Feel A Little Tickle...

Have you ever had something tickling your boobs all day? Some of you might say yes to this question, but it sure won’t be for the same reason as me you sickos! haha Well, my hair is getting quite long these days and falls out so often I’m surprised I’m not bald. And sometimes while I’m getting dressed for the day, my fallen out hair gets entwined with my shirt or bra. I really hate this, ya know. I’ll be at work when I feel a little tickle in my non-existent cleavage spot. Most of the time I’m helping customers so I can’t just put my hand down my shirt and proceed to find the culprit. Plus, my co-workers are mostly of the male species and they might get visuals if they see me looking down or reaching down my own shirt. I don't even want to get into that mess. I have had a hair tickling me for hours before and it literally drives me insane! I sure hope I’m not the only woman and/or person this has happened to. And if you see me in public and I'm figiting with my boob area, you will now know why.

Cheetah

Breaking news. Tiger Woods has changed his name. His name is now Cheetah. lol Seriously though, how come all ya’ll are surprised at this story? He is a big time athlete, who is always traveling, and has a lot of money. Did you honestly think that he would just turn his head every time a hot, or in his case, the sometimes not so hot, girl throws herself on him? I don’t care what anyone says, but any man out there would find a temptation like that hard to resist. It’s like the world has never heard of a cheating athlete or celebrity before. It’s like the freakin talk of the town. Ya’ll need to back up off him and let him breathe so he can get (it) on with his life. Geesh.

Oh Shakira...

I can't help that when a Shakira song comes on, I feel the sudden urge to move my hips. To make matters worse, I'm usually listening to it while getting ready in the bathroom, where there are very big mirrors. I try moving my stomach and hips like hers, looking at my movements from the front and side views in the mirrors. Sometimes I get so into it I will lift my shirt up just ever so slightly to see the full effect of my movements. Which, might I add, do not come close to Shakira herself, but it's a work in progress. I know it seems a little on the pathetic side, but I‘m always up for trying to learn new dance moves, even if I look like moron while trying to do so. So, if any of you try to put a hidden camera somewhere up in my bathroom I will warn you that you might get quite a show. I'm not saying it's going to be a good show, but a show nontheless. But, just an fyi, I sometimes do sing along to the songs I dance to, so you might want to put the recorder on mute. lol Oh Shakira, the things you make me wanna do...wait that sounds bad coming from a girl...

It's Steven Seagal Man!

I was totally making fun of the Steven Seagal: Lawman premiere via my Twitter account recently. If only I could have predicted my own future, I probably wouldn‘t have. I was flipping through the channels one night and nothing caught my eye, until I hit A&E. Seagal’s show was on. Oh what the hell, I should just check it out. There’s no harm in that. Dude, that show is addicting. I think I just get a kick out of Steven Seagal as a police officer, that it makes the show more entertaining. A week or two later my fiance and I were going to bed and I put the Lawman on. Then he muted it and I was like “hey, I’m watching that!” He’s like, “I thought you didn’t like Steven Seagal.” I’m like “I don’t, I just think this show is hilarious! Especially when someone who is getting arrested asks for his freakin autograph!” I just wonder why no one really knew of his other life until now and why they didn’t think of this show sooner! lol

Where's Waldo?

I was walking around all day without the slightest clue that I, in fact, resembled that Waldo character, as in Where's Waldo. Yeah. Not cool unless it's Halloween. Which it definitely wasn't. I wore khaki pants (which is a very rare occurrence) and a white baseball t-shirt that has red sleeves. It was the day after Thanksgiving and I really didn't put much thought into my outfit considering I woke up at 4 am. (Well, that's pretty obvious huh?!) Then to top the look off, I bought a red beanie at Zumiez and was wearing that all day. After being out and about for hours, my fiance and I finally get home and he looks at me and says, "you kinda look like Where's Waldo?". I jumped up, looked in the mirror, and was like Oh.My.God. I cannot believe I walked around like that all day! Then he took a picture of me and posted it on facebook for the world to see. Good thing I like to laugh at myself. :P

Anyone Want Some Cookies?

For some reason I signed myself up for the cookie exchange at work. Why you ask? I have not a damn clue. I HATE baking. Like really hate it, plus I'm horrible at it. I can cook you anything you want, I'm a great chef, and I know recipes for almost everything. When it comes to baking though, I'm no Martha Stewart. So, I put all my pre-made dough (yeah, I cheated, so what?) into a bowl and started scooping some out into little balls. It was just then that I realized I have way too much fucking cookie dough. WTF! I am going to be in this kitchen all night! I probably shouldn't have opened up all the packages huh? FML. I go on about my business and I'm like, oh great, I'm going to run out of Hershey's kisses. I hope people like plain peanut butter cookies because there's no way I'm going back out into the -6 degree weather for another bag of kisses. No fucking way! Grr. Fast forward to 3 hours later and I finally get done making these God forsaken cookies. I did a final count and I ended up with 18 dozen cookies. I only needed to make 8 dozen for the exchange. Oops. My bad. Anyone want some cookies? I think I may have a few extra.

Pee Wee Herman

I just saw Pee Wee Herman on Jimmy Kimmel. He actually made me laugh, which also makes me question my morals. (But, that's a whole other issue.;) Well, that guy is the definition of a creeper. Webster's should really look into that as an add-on to the word in the dictionary. Creeper- i.e. Pee Wee Herman. Anyways, he was on the show with the same outfit and whiney voice that he once became famous for. How annoying. The sad thing is that I swear I had a Pee Wee Herman doll growing up. Is that a true fact mom? If so, who the hell bought it for me? It must have been a last resort gift because who would give a young little girl a Pee Wee doll? But, this is me we are talking about here, so chances are pretty likely that I begged for the damn toy. haha Anyways, on the Kimmel show I also noticed he was wearing a wedding ring. Who the fuck would want to marry that guy? Can you even imagine being his wife? I would take my car and run over him and his damn bicycle. Save the world. Kill Pee Wee Herman. Sounds like a good motto doesn't it? No, I don't actually want him killed. The world was just better off when he was out of the public eye. I didn't miss him. Did you? If you answered yes to that I want you to think of Pee Wee Herman's laugh. Got it in your head? Good. That's punishment for your stupidity because its all you will be thinking about today. You may even start laughing just like him. Trust me. I know.

Just With the Blink of an Eye

I've been reading this book called, "Blink," which basically says that you can read a situation or person as fast as the blink of an eye. Dude, I can so totally do that. I have very good intuition, especially when it comes to people. So, I did a little experiment at work today to see how good my skills really are. Right when a customer approached my counter I would instantly think of one word that would best describe their personality. I had to do this just by evaluating their body language, facial expressions, and attitude, all within the blink of an eye. Bitch, impatient, cocky, bitch, genuine, obnoxious, bitch, loud-mouth, mellow, bitch. That was basically what I was thinking all night. Notice that the majority of the time the first word I thought of was bitch. That is pretty much my cliental in a nutshell. Either that or I just think most women are bitches. I would have to say that both are true. Well, at any rate, I bet my findings would come out pretty accurate if they were thoroughly investigated. Since I am only on page 50 out of like 250, it's pretty likely I will be conducting more experiments within the coming weeks to further test my mad skills...Stay tuned...

F.U.P.A.

F.U.P.A. is not a good phrase to have stuck in your head. Since it constantly seems to be on my mind lately, it's like it's all I notice. Pretty sick thing to notice huh? Well, don't blame me, people need to just stop talking about it because it is fucking grossing me out. Especially when people are aiming it at one particular person, you can't help but cringe when you're around them. Plus, it reminds me of a song parody. It's called "F.U.P.A." but sung to the tune of "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. (Pretty fitting group name huh?) "Don't cha wish your girlfriend had a F.U.P.A. like me?" No, I really don't wish that kind of thing on anybody actually! So please, no more F.U.P.A. talk because we really might need to carry a travel size bottle of scope around with us for every time we hurl in our mouth when we spot one. In fact, I may just do it anyways. Ya know, to be on the safe side.

We Have a Trekkie Tree?

I really want to put up the Christmas tree and all the decorations this year. I really do. But, every year we put up the tree, we never want to take it down. In fact, most past years we haven't taken it down until April. One year it might have been as late as June. At that point, you're half way to Christmas again, so what would be the point of taking it down? I just don't want to run into that kind of scenario again. It's pretty sad that the main reason to not put the tree up is that you're too damn lazy to take it down. We just have sooooo many ornaments, it seems like it takes for bloody ever to get them all hung on the damn tree. Last year we decided to put a mini tree up, like a 3 footer, to save some work. We ended up just moving it to the spare bedroom. At least it was mobile right? Plus, we have the most nerdy Christmas tree ever. It is filled with fucking Star Trek ornaments. Every year my fiance's mom buys him the new Star Trek ornament from Hallmark. I cannot even begin to tell you how many he has. I just realized we have a Trekkie tree. Oh dear god. Well, on that note I vote a big NO on putting up the tree this year. Bahumbug. Again.

Please Don't Fan Your Ass

Sometimes couples get a little too comfortable around their significant other. Most of the time, I would say it's a good thing you know each other so well, and that you feel like you can be yourself. But, sometimes you have to draw a line. Now, I don't particularly care if you fart or burp around me. People do it. It's not the end of the world. However, when I see you walking toward me, fanning out your ass, we may start to have some issues. Fanning your ass after a nasty fart does not keep it from venturing near my nostrils. I'm still going to get a whiff of it, we both just need to deal with it. So please, no more gestures. The fart alone is bad enough on it's own.

Straw-ba-ba-ba-berry

I still sleep with my baby blanket. It has Strawberry Shortcake on it, and after 25 years it's still in pretty good condition. I'm almost like a female version of Linus. I cannot sleep well without it. I will never get rid of it either and hopefully when I'm 80, there's enough of it left to still cuddle with. My favorite part of my blanket is that when I'm cold I take it and tie it around my neck. My fiance calls me Super Berry. Sometimes I will even do the superman when he says this and make a noise like "dododo DOOOOO"! Like "here I come to save the day!" haha I'm sure glad he doesn't mind me being attached to my blanket. If he ever made me choose one or the other, Strawberries wins hands down. ;)

Rudolph is Dead

My work started playing Christmas music today. We have to listen to it for 8 hours straight, 6 days a week, until Christmas. You get into it and sing along for the first few hours, but after that, it just starts going downhill. There's only so many ways you can sing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." Makes me want to go hunt for the Rudolph fella so I can bring it to the taxidermy, put it on my wall, and be like "haha suckers, Rudolph is dead, what are you going to sing about now?" Plus, every 3rd song they were playing was sung by Hilary Duff. That chick should have just stuck with the Lizzie McGuire character. It was the only thing she was half way decent at. Listening to her whiney voice is like nails on 10 chalkboards. Christmas music is supposed to be cheerful, not make someone suicidal. But, seriously, listening to the same songs over and over and over again makes me feel like a grinch. So, Bahumbug.