Sir?

"Sir? Wait, are you a boy or a girl?" You seriously can't tell what gender I am people? WOW. I am 100% female. At work, I have to wear a uniform, which consists of khaki pants, a black chef coat, and a baseball cap. I suppose that is male attire, but I am still female. Why is it that I get mistaken for a male at least once a week? Last time I checked, I didn't have a low, manly voice. My uniform is rather boyish though, but I have longer hair, which is normally in a pony tail. One of my customer's excuses was that she said some boys wear ponytails now. Gee. Thanks. Do boys also wear flower earrings. Do they wear eye shadow and mascara? Well, some do, I suppose. Do boys often have the body type that I do, with boobs, and hips? Seriously people. This is getting ridiculous. What can I do to make people think I am ALWAYS a girl? ...Sigh...

Naughty Bull

I can cross another thing off my bucket list. Ride a mechanical bull: CHECK! We get to our first bar of the night for bachelorette party and immediately go get a jag bomb. After feeling sick for 5 minutes I head over to the mechanical bull because my friend, who is the bride, is going to ride it first. I wasn’t too sure if I could do it. I almost just threw up and I knew this bull wouldn’t help. After seeing her on it though, I was like screw it, I‘m so doing it! I quickly pay my $5 and was the next one in line. I get on and holy shit, it’s a good thing I have massive leg muscles to clench on to this bull, because it was whipping me everywhere! I seemed to hang on for quite awhile though it seems! But, the inevitable happened, and of course it flew me off . I get back on and I fall off two more times. My ride came to an end and I was so ecstatic that I did it! That was seriously the best $5 I have ever spent. Except for the fact that I have huge green bruises on my inner thighs from that naughty bull. It was well worth it.

I Rocked The Pole

Apparently I was a pole dancer in a previous life because it turns out I'm pretty darn good at it. Just for the record, I have had no previous practice or training. lol This past weekend was one of my best friends bachelorette parties and we had a party bus complete with a stripper pole! I have to admit, I was rather excited about it. It's one of those things that's on my bucket list. I guess my bucket list is stranger than most. Anyways, I have always loved to dance, and over the years people started calling me Shaniqua because I can move like a black girl. I don't get out much, let alone to go dancing, so I was pretty stoked for the whole night in general. As soon as we got on that bus we put my girls' night out mix cd in, and all of us just started to bust a move. My friend's girls were all pretty impressed by my moves. After working it for awhile it was my turn on the pole. Since there were only chicks at this party, I felt pretty relaxed, unless that was the alcohol kicking in. Let's just say I felt comfortable on that pole. They were like wow look at her go. haha. I now know that it's not a profession I would ever consider because damn do my leg muscles frickin hurt. Or they could hurt just for the plain fact that I was dancing nonstop for 5 hours. Either way, I rocked that pole!

I Buy One, I Get One Free?

Why is the concept of a 'Buy One, Get One Free' deal so hard for some people to grasp? These past few days we've had Top Sirloin Steaks on a BOGO deal. The coupon is pretty self explanatory, for me anyways. About 75% of my customers will come up to me and ask, so if I buy one, I get one free right? No people, we are lying to you. We just printed out the coupons for shits and giggles. God, you people are retarded. I have also had customers come up to me and ask if they can just get one free. I'm like, you have to buy one, to get one free. What dumb asses. Another customer comes up to me and asks if the Tenderloin steaks are also on the BOGO deal, right after I told him that the Sirloin was the BOGO deal. Are you deaf sir? And of course the Tenderloin isn't a BOGO deal, it's frickin $24.99 lb! Do you think this company can afford to give you a free piece of filet mignon? HA! Nice try! You people need to get some more common sense or a brain for that matter because I'm sick of pointing out the obvious to you.

The Train That Never Came

I'm on my way to work, driving down the road at 6 am, when I notice the train rails are down and the lights are flashing. I always have the most perfect timing. I go up, stop at the arms, and wait. I wait a minute, and no train goes by. I wait another 2 minutes, and still no train. I am the first car in line and 2 cars pull up behind me. Where is this frickin train? I wait another 5 minutes. Still no train! I have no clue what to do. Is the train signal just stuck or is there a train 5 miles down the road? I'm going to be late to work if I wait any longer! So, I get out of my car and signal to all the other cars that we need to back up and find another way around. The last car in line comes up beside my car and asks how long until the train goes by. Seriously? I'm like, I've been waiting here nearly 10 minutes now and no train has gone by so I have no freakin clue. He asks if I know another way around, which I reply no, but I ask him where he's headed. He's going in the same direction as me so I just told a complete stranger to follow me. What else was a suppose to do? Well, I finally made it to work, but I am still dumb founded about what the hell was going on with this train that never came. Hmm.

Is My Name Sharon?

Maybe I should just change my name to Sharon, because apparently that's what everyone thinks it is. When I answer the phone at work, 75% of the customers repeat my name as Sharon. When I say my name, does it have an "r" sound in it? Because last time I checked there wasn't an "r" in my name. When I am talking to a customer, they read my name tag that says Shannon, and say how are you Sharon? People need to stop being so lazy and read the whole damn word before saying it out loud. This has been going on for years! I used to correct people, but I just don't even bother anymore. The worst thing about it is that I despise the name Sharon. Sorry to any Sharon's out there, I just don't like your name. Plus the name does not fit my personality whatsoever, and it makes me seem 20 years older than I am. So please people, my name is Shannon, not Sharon, get it right!

Large Ass

I need double stick tape for my underwear. I just bought 3 new pairs from Victoria Secret and apparently their sizing has changed. I have always worn a medium. I know what some of you may be thinking, like Shannon, you have a Shaniqua butt, how the hell can you wear a medium? Well, it's true. They fit pretty perfectly. Until now. Why do they keep creepin up all day? It's like they almost don't cover my cheeks anymore. I mean, I've had just about enough of these underwear issues lately! You would think that after losing 18 pounds, a size medium would be more than big enough to fit my ass. I refuse to buy a large because then I would be a large ass. I know it's just a size, but seriously. Designers need to stick to one sizing system, for forever! I know my butt has shrunk and I blame them for thinking I have a large ass again! Geesh. Maybe I should just stick to thongs, at least they are supposed to be up your butt all day.

You Don’t Want a Drooling Rabbit?

I've heard some strange things from customers in my life, but this one sure take the cake. Here is the actual conversation that she had with me. "Why do you sell hedge balls if humans aren't supposed to eat them? I think that's weird. I've never been in here before, I work for Cub, but I'm on medical leave. My mom doesn't know I'm on medical leave though, but she pays my mortgage for me. I just stopped in here for carrots for my rabbit. She needs moisture in the morning. I have to put the rabbit in her bedroom when I cook though because she thinks I'm going to cook her. She just hops all around very frantically. I don't want to give it a lobotomy though because I don't want a drooling rabbit. Well, enough of my crazy talk, I should be going." You're damn right enough of your crazy talk! This woman needs to be in the nut house. She definitely wins the strangest customer EVER award!

Rent-A-Friend

It's pretty sad when you have to practically beg every person you know to come out with you and see a band play. I literally asked every available person that I knew and finally two of my friends from work came out with me. It's not like I don't have any friends, I have an abundance of them. Everyone is just always too busy or lazy to do anything. It sucks for me because I am very much a people person. That's why someone should start a rent-a-friend website service. You type in the qualities that you want in a friend and list of possible matches pop up. You see who is available and is willing to chill with you for the night. It's pathetic I know, but it would be a good way to meet new people and always have someone to hang out with. In the meantime, I may have to get used to doing things by myself. But, my work friends sure were good sports about being at a place that was not their scene and I very much enjoyed their company.

Please Don't Pimp Out Your Minivan

Can someone please explain to me why a person thinks it's necessary to put pimped out rims on a maroon 1991 GMC Safari minivan? Seriously, you look like a jackass. The sad thing is that morons have been doing this for years. You always see a Geo metro with a big frickin spoiler on it too. What a waste of money. Maybe you should take all that money you spend pimping out your piece of shit and buy something a little nicer. But, we all know that you won't because somewhere along the line your common sense ran away. Having a piece of shit car with a few pimped out accessories does not make it, or you, the next best thing since sliced bread. And driving like an idiot who confuses suburban streets as the racetracks on Nascar, puts the icing on the cake. Squealing your tires and putting the pedal to the metal right after you stop at a stop sign does not prove anything except that you will probably get into a car accident or lose your license sometime in your life. So, can you all please stop pimping out your minivans and other vehicles that are starting to fall apart, because seriously, I'm getting sick of looking at them.

I Suppose I'll Be Irish For You

Did somebody steal me lucky charms? Now picture an old guy saying that in an Irish accent and that's how a few of my customers talk to me at work. They think that because I sort of look Irish and my name is VERY Irish, well then golly gee! I must be Irish! HA! Nope, I don't even have an ounce of the Irish in me. I told these oldies from the start that I'm not Irish, but you know how oldies are sometimes. They can't remember anything. One guy even sings me an Irish song every time he sees me. He actually gets up out of the electric cart, put his hands on my counter, and wants me to hold hands with him. Yeah, it's kinda cute. Except for the fact that I almost have a phobia of touching things with my bare hands. Even people. It grosses me out. But, what am I supposed to say to a 90 year old man? I can't be mean to him, and it's not that I even want to be. Oh well. I get a kick out of these old men, no matter how much they can creep me out sometimes. So if it makes them happy thinking I'm Irish, well I guess that's ok with me.

The Girl With No Boobs

Most of the time, I like the fact that my boobs are small. They don't bounce up and down and I can even get away with not wearing a bra at all. However, I wish they were a tad bigger when it comes to shirts and dresses. Every time I try on a dress, it is ALWAYS big in the boob area. Do designers just assume that everyone has fake boobs these days? I cannot be the only one with a smaller chest. I have to pin some of my shirts in the back to make them look how they are supposed to. I don't want to walk around in a tank top that is baggy in the chest area. I'm guessing that's not an attractive style trend. I'm rather annoyed today because I picked up my bridesmaid dress for my friends wedding that I'm in in a couple of weeks. I call this the "business in the front, party in the back" dress. I would just call it the mullet dress, but the thing is damn sexy and calling it a mullet makes it seem fugly. Anyways, the thing is hot, fits me perfectly, EXCEPT in the chest area. What a frickin surprise. I don't want to spend a ton of money getting the thing altered so I'm going to go get heavily padded, stick-on inserts for it. So, for that day, I will look a bit bustier than normal. I'm so used to being the girl with no boobs that it will feel strange to actually fill out the chest area in a dress. Now onto the cleavage situation...hmm...

Since when are Buffalo and Bison the same animal?

If they think kids say the darnedest things, then my fiance must be a kid at heart. We were at a restaurant the other night when both he and his sister ordered burgers. He got beef and she got buffalo. He then asks if buffalo is on the endangered species list. We all looked at each other and were like, he didn’t just say that did he? I of course laughed and said that I didn’t think it would be on the menu if it was an endangered species. Then he says that maybe it’s bison that’s on the list then. This kid needs to get an animal encyclopedia or something. I say to him that buffalo and bison are the same damn thing. Gosh, he makes me chuckle.

I Just Need To Hang On

When driving on steep, winding roads through the mountains, I will always be hanging on for dear life. My palms will be sweaty, my knuckles will be white, and I will be taking slow, deep breaths. I advise you to just ignore me, no matter how ridiculous and dramatic I seem to be. I do not like looking down and seeing no guard rails on the side on the road, just a steep slope to my death. You don’t need to tell me that I can stop hanging on even when we are at a place in the road that is flat on both sides. We are still at over 10,000 feet, so yes, I still need to hang on. It’s comforting. No matter how good of a driver you are or how safe you tell me it is, it will not change my mind. It’s not like my life will be saved by hanging on if the car does go rolling down the mountainside, because obviously I will be dead anyways. But, still. I would like to think in the event of that situation that there maybe some chance of survival due to my hanging on as tight as possible. I can dream can't I?

...The Twilight Obsession Continues...

Here’s another addition to my fiance’s Twilight obsession. I was typing in a website when kristenstewart.com came up on the history. He just told me that he googled the movie to see all the different sites that would come up because he was bored. I’m still waiting for robertpattinson.com to show up on the history. ;) Then on the way to Estes Park we passed a road called Twilight street. He asked if I wanted to stop and take a picture of it. I was like, no thanks, but I think he just wanted to go stand by the pole and make love to the damn thing just because it said Twilight on it. Then last night I came downstairs and he was watching a Disney Channel movie. I’m like, what the hell are you watching? He’s like, look! It’s the girl from Twilight. I looked, and it was a very young Kristen Stewart. I’m like yeah so what, why are you watching it? He said he was bored and there was nothing else on, but I’m starting to think he’s a creeper.

I Got High Today

I guess the phrase “I got high today” isn’t as funny to others as it is to me. I’m a sarcastic person, so I just couldn’t resist posting it as my facebook status. The statement was true though. I did get high. Some people just took it in a different way than how I meant it. Obviously, that’s what I wanted though because I love to get reactions out of people, whether good or bad. I don’t think one of my best friends thought it was as hilarious as I thought. Actually, I don’t even think she thought of it in any other way than me taking drugs. She made a comment saying I better clarify what I mean because I might start losing friends. You know what, if someone wants to not be my friend because of a frickin facebook status update, then go ahead and de-friend me. You obviously don’t really know who I am as a person anyways so it won’t be any loss to me. Then someone had commented on my post saying maybe I went on a 14’er. Then she made a post just saying the number 18. I asked her the next day is she knew what a 14’er meant and she said she was just being sarcastic about the 18. But, I think she just didn’t want to feel dumb. I don’t blame her though, she’s not a mountain person, I just get a kick out her clueless reactions. :P

Is a Picture Worth a Heart Attack?

Note to self: when up in the mountains at over 12,000 ft it is not a good idea to speed walk up an inclined hiking trail the second you hop out of the car. We got half way up the trail when my heart started to pound so hard, I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack. I just stopped, and was like OMG, I can venture no further. But, there was this cool rock formation just ahead that I wanted to take a picture of damn it! So, I grabbed my fiance’s arm and slowly started to make my way to the top. I felt like I was running a frickin marathon. Why do I think these things are enjoyable? Because I am crazy and not normal and I obviously think a picture is worth a near heart attack.

My Active Bladder

Does being in a higher altitude make one's bladder more active? I want you to ponder this question for the next few minutes while I tell you why I'm curious. In the first few days of being in Denver, my fiance and I have been peeing so much, it's borderline ridiculous. I have been getting up more than two times during the night just to pee. This is a rare occurrence, I don't get up for anything at night. I feel like Austin Powers just coming out of the frozen state and all the piss that has been stored for like 30 years was coming out all at once. I mean, seriously, if it wasn't happening to my fiance too, I would have had to seek medical attention. Ok, so that's a dramatic statement, but I know how much I have to pee in a day, and that was way over my legal limit.

I'd Be Better Off Dead

The guy on Man vs. Wild is f***ing insane. I know he's trying to teach us how to survive in certain situations, but really, let's be honest. How many people that actually tune in to that show will ever put themselves in such extreme situations? For instance, will I ever be traveling in the middle of the desert alone? Highly unlikely. If I get hungry while out in the desert, will I come across a dead camel and proceed to skin the poor thing just to use it as a blanket for myself? I think not. Will I then start to cut away at it's stomach just to take out the grass that had yet to be digested and wring the water out of it so it drips into my mouth? Umm, no thanks. Then, would I think to hollow out the camel so I can crawl inside of it and shelter myself from a sand storm? Let the sand just kill me then, seriously. Mr. Man vs. Wild, I would let the Wild win because all that is just f***ing disgusting. If I'm that desperate to survive, I'd be better of dead anyways.

I'm a Lesbian?

I think some people think I’m a lesbian. I can’t help that most of my life I’ve been around guys and after awhile just started checking out girls along with them. It’s more fun to just go along with the guys and critique the girls than just sit there and pretend you think they are pigs. You know you are checking out the girls too, you just don’t want to admit it. There’s nothing wrong with a girl saying another girl is attractive. If I then started to describe what I wanted to do to, or with, said girl, then you have every right to start questioning my sexuality. I’m not one of those girls who gets pissed off when I catch my man eyeing out another chick either. If I see a hot girl, I will tell him. Just because you are with someone doesn’t mean you have magically gone blind. And if you’re a male and you say you don’t check out other guys, you are a liar. Everyone checks out everyone, just no one wants to admit it. Well, I’m admitting to it and I’m not ashamed. You can even ask my friend Jenny about it because I tell her she’s hot all the time, and she doesn’t get creeped out by it. At least I hope not. ;)

Shit My Dad Says...

Since I aim to get a laugh out of you almost everyday, I highly suggest you follow this person on twitter. Seriously, just do it.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Yes, I Just De-friended You

I de-friended you and you're just going to have to get over it. I'm sick of people requesting to be my friend on facebook for either one of the two following reasons: 1) To try and get as many friends as possible. 2) To spy on me. What I even hate more is those cliquey people in high school that wouldn't give you the time of day back then, all of a sudden think it's a good idea to become facebook friends now. I always laugh when I get such requests. I'm like you were a dick in high school and you still hang out with all the same dicks, so I've come to the conclusion that you are probably still a dick. Therefore, you do not deserve my friendship. I also hate when you accept someone's friend request and they don't say a damn thing to you, EVER. So, today I went through my friend list and got rid of about 15 people. So, if you didn't make the cut it's your own damn fault. If you could care less to acknowledge my presence, then I will do even more to un-acknowledge yours. So, POOF! You have vanished and don't even attempt to send me another request, it will make you look like a pathetic stalker.