You Are a Bitch

I swear, if I turn on the T.V. one more time and hear Kate Gosselin whining about Jon Gosselin, I'm going to literally reach through the T.V. and bitch slap her. You know what Kate? You are a bitch, and that's why Jon left you. You're lucky he even stayed as long as he did. You are mean and controlling, which are not attractive qualities for someone to want to be around. I do not, in any way, feel bad for you. You have used you your kids for fortune and fame and it has already led to your divorce, yet you don't want to stop the show. What do you think is going to happen next? How do you think this whole masquerade is going to affect your kids? And Jon has every right to go out and have fun when it's not his turn with the kids. Don't complain that you are raising the kids by yourself, because you always have people around you helping you out. You need to learn that just because you are the woman in the relationship, does not mean you are the victim. Stop selling your sob story to every network because I'm sick of looking at you wiping the fake tears off your face.

You Deserve a Cookie, Or a Slap in the Face

The signs are pretty obvious when you should just leave me alone. When I'm irritable, crabby, and you just saw me take a couple of midol, that should be a clear indication that now would be one of those times. But, for some reason, you think that my mood is hilarious during this time of the month. Glad to know my bitchiness is humorous to you, I'll be sure to remember that in the future. You get a kick out of teasing me because you find my reactions cute. Well, I think you are f***ing crazy. How can a pms-ing woman who literally wants to yell at everyone because the whole world is annoying her, be cute? I don't think I'm funny or cute during this time and if I had the choice I would choose not to be around myself at all, and spare my own self from my bitchy attitude. So you, my lovely, but f***ing insane fiance, deserve a cookie for your kindness, or a slap in the face. You decide. :P

Just Call Me the Bird Killer

I killed something today. Yep. I'm a murderer. I was driving to work, merging on the freeway, when I saw two birds flying straight in the path of my car. C'mon you dumb birds, you need to fly a tad higher, c'mon I know you can do it! The first one just made it past my car, but the second moron bird swept down even lower and THUMP! OMG. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the bird fall to the ground and start to have seizures (at least that's what it looked like). I can't believe I killed a freakin cardinal. A part of me thinks he got what he deserved, flying so damn low in the path of traffic. Do, they not have eyes to see where they are flying? Geesh. I usually don't even like killing an insignificant ant let alone a pretty (dumb?) bird. It ruined my whole day because the words "bird killer" kept flashing in my mind. The good news is that there were no feathers in the front of my car and there were no remnants of the bird on the road when I drove past the scene the next day. So, maybe it survived after all?

Twilight Addicts Anonymous?

You know your fiance has to attend a Twilight Addicts Anonymous meeting when he is reading the unpublished version of the next installment on his iphone. This is also the same guy who chose reading that series over playing video games. And he loves video games more than a fat person in a buffet. I think he is ill. He finished all 4 books in less than 2 weeks. Then his sister told him the author was rewriting the series, but from a different perspective. I could see his eyes light up with excitement like a giddy little girl. The first thing he did when we got home was research this hopefully true rumor. He found out that the first book got leaked on the internet somehow so the author just decided to put the first 300 pages on her website. So he is reading the thing on his tiny little iphone. I mean seriously, reading a book on a little electronic, how annoying would that be? I guess worse things could happen right? Like if he starts saying the name Edward Cullen in his sleep, then we might start having some issues.

Teaspoon of Sleepiness

When I past the point of exhaustion I get full of laughter and dizziness with a teaspoon of sleepiness. Do you ever get so exhausted where you actually feel like you are drunk? I can feel it in my head and in my eyes that I need to sleep, yet I find it most amusing to stay awake. Last night I found that it's more fun to watch That 70's Show when you are in this sleep deprived state. The episode was about the four guys being all stoned and wigging out that the FBI might be after them. They thought that a vacuum cleaner was a spy probe to listen to their every move. I don't know why I thought it was extra hilarious, but it was. I was laughing to myself out loud in an almost forced and annoying way. Everything just seems more funny when you feel drunk. If I would have watched it any longer, I would have probably ended up dying of laughter that resulted in an asthma attack! If being sleepy gives me the same effects of feeling a buzz, then hey, it gives me another reason to stay sober most of the time. At least at this so-called drunken state you don't have the ill affects of a hangover.

Peace, love, & I’m going to f***ing kill you?!

Why can't we just get along? Peace and love people! AHHHH! Who is shooting me? That mother f***er! Then I stand in one place and shoot my gun all around me like a f***ing maniac! Diiiiieeee people!!! Wait, what the hell is wrong with me? This was the first time playing Call of Duty or COD, as the nerdy gamers say. I usually hate video games that involve guns and/or killing things. I'm a lover, not a fighter! But, apparently I get a little feisty and competitive while playing these sorts of games. The controls are just ridiculous though. One knob is to walk, the other is to look around, and another is to shoot. Way to confusing for me. I couldn’t even seek out a person to shoot. They literally had to be right in front of me or shooting at me in order for me to notice them. The developers need to make a dumbass mode or something for when people like me, who have no concept of the controls, are forced into playing. I do think that the controls for this game are easier than the ones for Halo, but I’ve only played that a few times in some moments of weakness. I think I will continue to opt out of playing such violent games in the future, I don’t want my tourettes like competitiveness to get the best of me! Peace, love, and I’m going to f***ing kill you, don’t belong in the same sentence!

Did I Say Mini Burger?

I was feeling a tad lazy last night so I asked my fiance to bring home dinner. I told him that I was tired and starving and to just surprise me with something. He finally decided on Wendy's and I said just get me a cheeseburger. He gets home and hands me the tiniest burger I have ever seen. It was a Jr. Cheeseburger. Did I say get me a mini burger? Did I not mention that I was frickin starving? He told the guy at the window that he wanted a cheeseburger and I guess he didn't think it was necessary to explain exactly what kind he wanted. I opened the burger from it's wrapper and started laughing. The bun was 100 times bigger than the patty that was inside. The thing was as thin as a piece of deli sliced ham. What adult could eat that and be full? I look over at the burger my fiance got and it was as big as a shortstack of pancakes. I should have taken a picture of the two side by side. Not only was my burger as thin as a piece of paper, it was barely holding the shape of a patty. I turned the thing over and it was barely holding together by the cheese. Its like there were chunks of the burger patty missing and they filled it in with cheese. It reminded me of the one and only time I had a burger at Whitecastle. Ick. This Wendy Jr. burger, or whatever the hell it is, should be called a slider too because that's the only way I could make the damn thing go down my throat without hurling at the very sight of the thing.

Rain, Sirens, and Trains OH MY!!!

Rain, sirens, and trains are a real pain in the ass when you are trying to sleep in. I was all comfy in my bed this morning, when I heard it start to pour outside. Since our bedroom is on the 3rd level and faces west, you can hear every damn drop hit the window. But, as I always try to do when it rains, I tune it out and fall back asleep. Then, which seems to be only minutes later, but was probably way longer, I heard sirens. There must have been a crash on the highway, which is viewable from our house, because there were so many sirens. I was just getting slightly annoyed at this point. All I wanted was to sleep in a little bit longer people! Come on! After about a half an hour they finally went off and I fell back asleep. I swear only minutes later I started to hear banging. The same rhythm over and over and over again. O.M.F.G! Tell me they are not working on the railroad tracks again! The railroad is literally right in front of our house! They seem to constantly be working at that freakin thing. Arg. I was so frustrated that I finally gave up on trying to sleep in and just got up. I'm making a mental note to never buy a house that faces west, is near a highway, or is right by active railroad tracks. Is that too much to ask?

The Ugly Stick

It's hard to tell if someone got hit with the ugly stick when you are not wearing your glasses. We girls at work are always on the lookout for an attractive guy. It doesn't happen often because most of our cliental are senior citizens, so when an attractive guy does walk through that door, it's a special occasion. Well, I was going about my work when I saw a potential hottie checking out my case. I just starred at him a little bit because I didn't have my glasses on, and I wanted a better look. Then he looked like he needed some help so I quickly started walking towards him. As I got closer I found myself starting to slightly chuckle. This guy definitely got struck with the ugly stick. What was I thinking? I seriously thought this guy was good looking from far away. How can not wearing my glasses distort this man's image so much? I'm not blind when I don't wear them, things just tend to get a little blurry from afar. Well, maybe people should start looking at this guy through those drunk goggles because the blurriness seems to make the ugly stick disappear. Or maybe I should just start wearing my glasses. Hmm...

Don't make me crabby

I would love to crawl into the seafood case and get my arm and hand scratched up and bloody just so you can get the damn snow crab cluster that you want. They all look the same, yet you insist on having that one. Not only is it in the very front of the display at the bottom, but in order to even reach it, I have to take about half the display out just to get to it. After I hand the bag with the 2 clusters that you picked out, you nicely say sorry for making it difficult to get to the crab. I say oh it's not a problem. But, it is a problem! It's not like snow crab is a soft, cuddly animal. The legs and claws are very sharp, and I get cuts almost every time that I handle them. Oh, and I doubt you really were sorry because you walked away with exactly what you wanted and I walked away with more cuts on my hands. If some customers could only know what I think about them while I'm helping them with a forced smile on my face. I guess crab handling just makes me crabby.

I wish I had no sense of smell...

My house smells like the combination of vomit, old milk, and body odor. Not because any of those things are apparent in the house, but the combination of those smells seem to resemble the almost un-human food my roommate eats. Can he seriously make normal food that doesn't stink up the whole f***in house! I mean come on. As I'm writing this my shirt is up over my goddamn mouth and nose because the smell is making my stomach turn and saliva is getting built up in my mouth as an indication that I may hurl soon. The worst thing is that the smell lingers for hours. My fiance will come home from work and ask what the nasty ass smell is. Then he'll say oh wait, it's something he made isn't it. Our roommate refuses to use anything but the microwave. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. I'm not sure he even knows how to cook any other way. But, how can you eat food that smells, literally, like ass? Does the way that the food smells help determine how it tastes to you as well? Imagine what his breathe smells like after eating that shit.

Meat Musical?

I can't help but walk through the back rooms of the meat department and burst out into song and dance like I'm in some freaky meat musical. In fact, all 4 us in the meat department are guilty of it. When a song like "Love Shack," "Bye, Bye, Bye," or "Stayin' Alive" comes on how can you not dance and sing to it? You just gotta bang on an imaginary door, wave a fist in the air, or strike a disco pose, all while bursting out the lyrics in the loudest, most ear-shattering way. I realized today if you were to look at the security camera footage from my work you would be mesmerized for hours watching us all make fools of ourselves. Imagine us in our baseball hats and butcher coats full of blood singing at the top of our lungs and trying to bust out some dance moves. That footage, I'm sure, would make one creepy musical! Hell, I'd pay to see it though.

I live with a Sasquatch...

My roommate comes out of his room with his hairy bare chest with just a dainty little vest over it. I wanted to barf. Or die. I was sitting on the couch which directly faces the door to his room, so I couldn't just pretend that I didn't see him! He was standing there looking at me and started to have a conversation. I tried as hard as I could to ignore him because there was no way I could look at him for a long period of time. I might have gone blind. He is the most hairy person I have ever seen in my life. Picture the amount of hair that a sasquatch has and it nearly resembles my roommate. He even has a back full of hair. I'm not talking about a few strands. I mean thick, 2 inches long hair all over. Imagine running your fingers through that shit. *Cringe*

My Underwear Problem

I kept picking the underwear out of my butt all day at work yesterday. Do any of you girls have underwear that you just shouldn't be wearing to work? Well, I knew that it would be creepin' up my butt all day, yet I still wore them. Why? Because they are cute. They are the boy short kind, making your butt look all cheeky. I probably shouldn't even be wearing those kind. They don't call me Shaniqua for nothing. It's pretty ridiculous. Anyways, at work I'm constantly on my feet, walking around all day, which makes the matter worse. It's not like I can keep my butt from moving just so my underwear stays in place! I just hope no one saw me. I have people literally up in my grill all day long, I'm surprised I could even sneak the motion in at all.